Posted by capricorn on November 22, 2006, at 8:21:02
Saw care co-ordinator today. she broached the subject of my possibly doing some voluntary work.The thought scares me. I'm terrified of getting things wrong and having to interact with people . I wanted to say 'no!' and to be fair she said i wasn't being pushed into it but i felt i had to agree to see the person who sorts out that kind of thing
because if i don't i'll be letting people down.
Also everyone will think i'm just lazy but i'm not.I am quite willing to do things if there is not too much pressure and having to deal with people. Within my own little safety zone i'm ok ie family/other people at day centre but people i don't know thought of working with them frightens me.
It's different trying to help people online no pressure no thinking am i going to f***up will i get in trouble for f***ing up.It's so hard to say no sometimes for fear of disappointing and letting people down .
I can still remember all those years ago in the spring holidays of 1975 and it was time to go back to school for A level term .I had overdosed end of the previous term 100 aspirin just couldn't face going back it was on the tip of my tongue to scream 'no!
but all i could meekly say was 'yes' because my father expected it of me . I was totally
struggling to function but i said 'yes'. Stumbled through a week of not being able to think just wanting to sleep not coping with the studying just wanting to curl up in a ball and shut the world out and i ended up first in the school sanitorium then my first
in patient admission.I go and see my mum every monday to try and give Nick my brother a break. Some Mondays i just don't want to because i feel so sh*t but i do because he's there dealing with most of it himself and if i didn't turn up i would feel guilty for not doing my bit.
On those days i plaster on the smile pretend everything's ok. 'How are you doing?'
'I'm doing ok'('actually i'm not but how can i say i'm feeling crap. That i had to struggle to make myself get dressed and go out. That my place looks like a bomb's hit it. That
it's all feels so pointless. That if i didn't have the cat to think about i 'd be quite content to stay in my pyjamas all day and not go out of the flat at all)
Then when it all gets too much emotionally i'll end up losing the plot unable to think straight/irrational/ paranoid as can be/angry to the point that it mentally and physically sucks the energy out of me/wishing i was dead or in a coma.
poster:capricorn
thread:706107
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20061106/msgs/706107.html