Posted by Jay on July 12, 2006, at 20:17:44
In reply to The kindness of strangers..., posted by Jay on July 11, 2006, at 19:45:53
To everyone..individually, please read...(This means from other threads as well.)
Just to start off, I am completely moved by so much honest support from so many of you. I wish you all really known how important each of your posts are, and I will get to everybody. In actuality, I feel a bit guilty for taking up so much space and time on the board.....I really don't wish to be selfish, or spend my existence wallowing in self-pity. I truly hope that I can make some kind of connection between loss, grief, and depression, and along the way find "escape routes" to conquer depression.
Phillipa, we are waiting to see the oncologist, and he has another specialist, a hematologist, to see exactly what stage he is at. See...he has many other complications, like only one kidney working, diabetes, etc. They are trying to get these dates bumped up, because right now, they are off for a few months.
Sleepygirl...yes I need a whole new life. But, the life I am living right now is just crud anyways, so I feel I have little to lose by doing radical things to change my life.
Racer...indeed...life is for the living too. Dad had such a rough life as a child too. His Mom died when he was about 3...his Dad put him up for adoption..this was during the Depression. He got adopted by some very, very horrible, mean people...the adopted father beat him on a whim, until he was a teen and could stand up for himself.
It's going to take me, I think, a good few weeks to a month, just to get me to the state where I can talk about this with him. Right now I can't. It's going to get much, much sadder, harder, I know. I am not afraid to cry. I've written a poem for him....dedicated one that was written by Bono to his dying father to my Dad, because it was so much like my situation. One other little thought in the back of my mind...the cruelty of ageing, is if you look at that pic of him with me back in 1974, my Dad was such a sharp-shooter...in great shape, chisel-rock face with a star's smile...dark thick neat hair. It's not vanity...I just remember the *warmth* I felt falling into his loving strong arms. Now, I still see the smile, but he looks like a pale ghost so often. Now, I cuddle him up in my arms before he goes to sleep. I love that...believe me...but it feels like the oyster who is raped of it's pearl gem.Bobby....oh Bobby...you have made me laugh so many times my friend, that is a gift all in it's own. Yes, I've lost a few precious things...but there are millions of families in Third World countries who lose 4-5 children...partner/husbands/wives..much due to disease, famine, war, etc. No, it doesn't make it much easier for me to think about it that way, but it put's it in some kind of context eventually, so I can find some reason to carry on.
AuntieMel you should see the amount of meds I am on as it is..lol. But, I've started a gradual cutback of one in particular, that has caused most of the "numbness"...the weight gain, apathy, sex probs. And yes....I have taken some lessons from the book "Tuesdays with Morrie" and got and am getting a new digital camera, and journaling like my life depends on it. Video/audio recorder stuff eventually too. And yes...Hugs...he and I are big on these...so I have upped the quota..lol.
llrrrpp yes...I intend to drag out all of the photo albums and such, and have already started. I am even going to catalogue them and put them up on the internet. "You can never break the chain. There is never love without pain." My favourite line. Love just *is*.
Dinah.....what can I say? All of the (((((((Dinah)))))))) available back to you. :)
Gabbi~G your post moved me and touched me in a million different ways. That's really it right there. VERY powerful stuff. Thank you...thank you so, so dearly.
Midnight Blue...thank you for thinking of me.
I feel comfort in your prayers.WildcardII....I am touched that the pic moved you. You've got a little one on the way. Love is really the only reason to exist.
Gardnergirl....thank you also. The hugs are nice. :) (((((((((Gardnergirl))))))))))))
Glydin....thank you for the Babblemail...a very nice personal touch. Merci! :)
If I missed anybody...I am sorry...please forgive me...as I am typing this up just before my work shift starts. Well...I haven't cried in the last hour and a half....that is something. But, I usually save it for sleep. Here is a line from a poem (actually a song) I am working on for Dad...it captures every second of joy I had with (and will have) him.
-----------------
That Life and all of it's Charms
Are cradled in the arms
Where sleeping Angels lay....I am starting to tear up now...heeeehh....goodnight my friends.
Jay
poster:Jay
thread:666170
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060709/msgs/666494.html