Posted by llrrrpp on May 18, 2006, at 15:16:54
In reply to Re: Music » llrrrpp, posted by curtm on May 18, 2006, at 14:21:27
Today's music is in my head. I play a recital in
T-Minus-5 hours.
I'm so worked up.
Why didn't I practice harder?Why didn't I practice harder?Why didn't I practice harder?Why didn't I practice harder?Why didn't I practice harder?Why didn't I practice harder?Why didn't I practice harder?Why didn't I practice harder?Why didn't I practice harder?Why didn't I practice harder?Why didn't I practice harder?
i have grumpy voices, very quiet in my head, and when they speak, (tempo! tempo! cue the 2nd violin! cue the cello! tempo! what's the next transition? Clean up the rhythm? What are my fingers doing? steady, steady!!!!) I feel twitchy. scared. yes. I'm feeling like I'm on the edge of the pit. You know what the pit is don't you?
The pit is where underachievers live. The pit is where people who have talent but didn't work hard enough go to spend their final hours. The pit is where people have lethargy and anhedonia, and whine and b*tch, but do nothing to improve themselves. The force of the pit's pull is not gravity. It's depression. I can't stand it. It's pulling me in, and I'm going to go and spend some time there. Because I'm weak and I got myself in over my head with this music. I don't have the technical capabilities to pull it off with elegance. I'm going to disappoint myself. I'm going to disappoint my friends and my teacher. I'm going to disappoint my future and my past. Even if it goes well, this is not the type of performance that's going to give me any endorphin rush, like I usually experience. This is the type of performance where people will go "...oh, wow... that piece sounded really hard... ummm, good job mumble mumble" And I will look ashamed. and they will feel guilty because they were trying to cheer me up.
they don't realize that cheer does not penetrate the pit. Sunlight does not penetrate the pit, except to illuminate the ugliness and inperfections of the world. Truth does not penetrate the pit, unless it functions to reveal essential and immutable failures. Reality does not exist in the pit, as everything is a delusion, a byproduct of skewed and biased perceptions. Beauty does not visit the pit, unless it is to occasionally provide sharp contrast to make the ugliness much more grotesque.
I'm visiting the pit. and the worst thing is the the music in my head is not pit-music. it's delightful and bubbly, and joyous. it's about as dark as a summer sky at noon in Phoenix. I feel like such a charletan to fake this emotion as I attempt to survive this concert.
TeamBabble, in 5 hours, think of me. yell at me down in the pit. maybe I'll hear you and you'll remind me of my life up in the real world. on the other side of depression. I'm scared. and sad.
poster:llrrrpp
thread:645454
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060513/msgs/645548.html