Posted by special_k on March 24, 2006, at 20:27:57
In reply to ((((((((((special_k)))))))))), posted by damos on March 24, 2006, at 14:45:51
I'm sorry. Just having a bit of a hard time. I haven't thought about hurting myself or anything like that for a while now. But the thought has started to come back to me. I think it is probably about the move. It was very unsettling for me. Easier knowing I had been here before. Easier knowing the city a little. But who am I kidding, I don't know it hardly at all. Most people are better at finding their way around than me after maybe one week. Why? Because I don't get out much and I don't have all that good a sense of direction. Loss of exploratory behaviour. Or something. I really don't get out much. The anxiety at the thought is enough for me to think that it really isn't worth it. And social stuff is hard for me too. I had forgotten just how hard. I'm remembering primary school and intermediate school and high school now. It took me a long while to make friends. Always. Yeah ok so I guess in hindsight I kind of blamed my mother for not letting me do anything after school and stuff. But it was still hard for me to make friends. And it is hard here too. Inherited all those same problems. And I'm realising that it is me. It wasn't my mother. It was me. There is something wrong with me :-( There is. And other people pick up on it. That is why people don't really listen when I speak and stuff. I just don't say anything particularly interesting. I can hear other people just chatting and laughing and stuff. Conversations with me just don't go like that. So people get away from me as soon as they can. And I feel all awkward and just want to fall through the floor. And then I find myself wondering that if I leave now... I don't really know my way home. And of course it always does work out alright. But I worry. I do. And I don't think it is worth it. I just want to stay in my room forever. Or something. I don't know. And people... They say things. Gossip is real bad. And people are really into sharing 'secrets' which of course will be shared among everyone else before the night is through. And people ask you what you think of this or that in a context of gossip. They say things and I can see the intention is to lull you into a sense of security so you will tell them what is on your mind. And I can't do that. I can't play those social games. I don't want to. But I want to fit in it is so important to me. But I know that it being important or them knowing just how important it is is counter productive in its own way because then they will just think I am desperate and pathetic. And it is hard. And there is a group. And key people proclaim someone the 'favourite' for five minutes... And I can't believe I'm saying this online but I feel so f*cking lonely even though there are all these people around and I don't have anyone I can just talk to and be myself with. And I am terrified of negative judgement or evaluation. And that is what they do. Teach people to make fine grained discriminations and distinctions and I guess they employ them in their personal lives as well. And why did I want to do this again? And I'm too terrified to open my mouth. And people do think I'm stupid. And even one on one it can be too hard. To do a proof in real time is like math when someone is standing over you and you have to hurry up hurry up hurry up and you are so anxious you can't even think and you can't think and nothing occurs to you and you can't even begin to do it. And it was given to you because it was supposed to be easy to ease you in and you can't even manage that. And I can tell it is me. Just supposed to not be bothered and just keep on going. Keep on hanging around and be a bit more independent and not bothered by it all really but friendly. And if I was more centred I would be okay and then they would probably like me okay and I'd just not partake in the things I don't like and they would just get used to me over time. But I don't know who I am. So I do things and then realise I'm not happy with that. And I don't do things when I probably should. And I hem and haw and can't decide. And indecision is probably the worst crime of all. And I'm thinking I really don't know that I can do this. Just want to curl up in bed all the time. And maybe I'm getting sick or something. I know what I really need is a t. Or think I need or something. But if I go along and they say 'what do you expect us to do?' and / or 'we are just a short term service so we can see you once or twice' then I'll feel worse than I do now much much much worse and I don't know that I can afford to take that risk.
poster:special_k
thread:623978
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060324/msgs/624302.html