Posted by James K on February 12, 2006, at 0:55:21
In reply to Re: I'm so very angry right now, posted by sleepygirl on February 12, 2006, at 0:18:32
I know this is saturday night, and I personally like the social board to be jokes and recipes and friends esp. on the weekends. But I just had a major freak out. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I just had eye surgery, so I totally had to remember don't touch myself on the head, dont go nuts. i'm trying to get myself into a hospital and trying to talk myself out of it at the same time. There is no way I can't go into a hospital. I just have to hang on to get the one week clearance on my eyes, because of all places, I don't trust a hospital to let me keep up with the medical maintinence necessary. I shouldn't be alone right now. My wife is spending the night with her grandkids, she will be back tomorrow afternoon. She already has monday off. she says just to have a relax day, whatever it takes. I went and stood out in the cold for a while. I'm breathing. People actually have to tell me to breath, it really doesn't work on it's own.
Can I just talk for a while? read it monday. I'm scared again. I've really tried. I don't come here and say "crisis, crisis!" I was just interacting, listening to music and hanging on the board because tv isn't working for me right now. I tried something. Something I could have done in my office 7 years ago. I couldn't make it work now. I lost it head crazy, adrenaline, tears, hyperventilate, James want to smash. How can I get job now what if something goes wrong. I jump from frustration to I'm an idiot to whoever made me feel this way will pay so damn quick. If I just broke down and cried, I would have to quit (life). so I'm the master of the stiff upper lip. but if I lose that, god help me and everyone that hurt me. Nobody hurt me tonight. It's all me.
I couldn't find the cd I needed to listen to right now. We took it out of the car so it would be safe. Mush by Leatherface. I've done everything but pick up the cats to find it. On a normal day, that would be a tantrum. Tonight damn. But I made it. I safe right now. I just have to type because I don't have any therapy right now. That is their fault, I showed up. I never got my turn. there were too many people in the room. I can talk about not drinking all day, but when do you get to talk about not killing yourself or somebody else? I don't need annbeatie or melody beattie or davidburns right now. I need a f*cking straightjackket and shots. I'm okay right now, I just need to find that cd. I'm sorry this isn't the time or place. I dindn't plan it this way.
James K
poster:James K
thread:608804
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060203/msgs/608826.html