Posted by alexandra_k on January 23, 2006, at 18:55:24
In reply to Re: Hey Cricket - Wittgenstein » alexandra_k, posted by cricket on January 23, 2006, at 9:17:03
Hey.
That was a vivid image. I am like that in therapy too. And in life sometimes. It can be hard when what you most want is to connect, but at the same time what you are most afraid of is rejection.Trust is a hard one for me too. I feel like the walking wounded much of the time, and the tiniest little hint of rejection (or a miscommunication interpreted as a rejection) can result in my feeling all those feelings that I had as a kid. Just wanting to curl up and die. Even when I rationally know I'm being unreasonable it doesn't seem to have all that much affect on the feelings. Sometimes I feel stronger and it doesn't get to me. But I think that the more I care about being able to connect with someone the more power they have to hurt me with a comment or a look or whatever.
I think trust takes time. It is hard... Because I think it is good to be trusting in general (to a certain extent). Because people are likely to rise to our expectations. But at the same time when one is so vulnerable to those horrible feelings... One is probably wise to be cautious. But how to balance those...
I think it does get better in time. I remember when you used to post on the psychology board about your therapist and you weren't sure whether he cared about you / liked you or not. It sounds like you have moved on from that, and moved on from interpreting his words as intended criticisms etc. Maybe your break kind of showed him that he really did need to be more careful and caring in general? I don't know. But it does sound like you have made some progress on that.
> So maybe it is the language stuff from Wittgenstein that made him think of that.
Maybe... Maybe it is about one of the language games (functions of language) being to seek a connection with someone. A meaningful connection. To feel connected. And respected. And liked. And approved of. And so the particular words (babbles) don't matter so much as the connection. But it does take trust. And trust does take time. Especially when one has bad experiences. Especially when it doesn't take much sometimes to trigger off all those bad experiences.
The therapist that I worked okay with... I would take little tiny risks of sharing something with her. And when she didn't judge / condemn / respond with disgust / disapproval etc then it was easier to take a little tiny risk next time. And so I'd take them more often. And I'd take slightly bigger risks. It is slow. Really very slow. And sometimes things are going well and progress is faster. And sometimes things aren't going so well and one seems to revert. But over time... There is progress. And I think you have made a fair bit already :-) But I understand that things are still really hard.
I'm doing okay. A bit circumspect and quiet at the moment. A few steps back maybe. I'm not sure. But I'm still around. And I'm hanging in there.Sorry you have been sick and so busy at work. Hope you have a little bit of time to do something nice for yourself. I miss chatting to you, but understand that sometimes life can be really hectic for a while. Hang in there.
:-)
poster:alexandra_k
thread:600010
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060115/msgs/602190.html