Posted by alexandra_k on January 19, 2006, at 22:14:32
In reply to different subject, kind of strong » alexandra_k, posted by James K on January 19, 2006, at 20:57:08
> ---This goes right to the heart of my problems, as a purposeful defense against a violent and aggressive world that had attacked me from birth, I turned myself (or tried to turn myself) into someone willing and capable of doing anything. I fantasized and reinforced reactions and attitudes in an attempt to be ready for anything. Meaning anything could happen to my body but nobody could touch "me".
Yeah. I think I understand that. Maybe there are two seperate (or seperable) processes there though.
I am (sometimes) able to go numb. I used to do that when my mother beat me. Just go numb and curl up in a little ball and numb out. She could do whatever she wanted and I'd just be numb. She couldn't hurt me. She couldn't touch me.
Sometimes... I think that is a good strategy. When you can't get away from the person.
Another strategy... May have been to cultivate the hostility. Apparantly my sister used to do that. I heard that my mother used to beat her with a wooden spoon. One day my sister grabbed it out of her hands and beat her back. Apparantly my mother never laid a finger on her again.
> Today, I told my therapist at the day clinic, that if I ever had to talk to the psychiatrist I saw last week again, I would hit her in the mouth with a chair. I actually meant it. They thought about locking me back up. I've never (rarely?) done anything like that, but sometimes it seems my whole life is leading up to it.I think that is where... The victim becomes the persecuter...
> I've had moments of clarity where I can not only see the problem but see a path out of the maze I've created in my head. But then my self defenses kick in, and I literally forget the insights.Yeah. I think sometimes it can be hard to control the rage... Really very hard. I'm not sure what to say. I've only talked about my violent thoughts on these boards. I don't know what a clinician would say about them... But I'm wondering whether the frustration / energy might be able to be put to use in physical activity. That that might take some of the power or force out of it. Dunno.
> ---I'm good at making people feel good and accepted, positive feedback on that from co-workers and fellow patients shows me this. That's how I know the ugliness is not the real me.How are you with feeling accepted and connected yourself?
> ---I want to put 10 times the goodness in the world to make up for the small amounts of badness I've put here.
Me too. I think... That is something that I find really meaningful.
> > I do despair at times.
> > But thats when I know I need to spend more time with the people who are consistent in their kindness. I need to go enjoy the sun or a book or a walk or something like that. Enjoy a strangers smile. And try to muster some hope for humanity.
> ---Do that, but don't forget about us who are still suffering.Yeah.
I only have to do that because...
I'm suffering too.And it is about prevention of my harming others.
take care.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:600796
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060115/msgs/600896.html