Posted by Maynerd on January 10, 2006, at 20:26:44
I hate sharing the deepest parts of myself because of so many past experiences, but with all the wonderful people in here I feel at least somewhat safe. As many may know I got in a little trouble at school around turkey day, the aftermath I am still having to deal with. A part of the repair is that I have to take and pass two drug tests to get my academic 'rights' and financial aid reinstated. This is no problem as I am used to jumping through hoops to get what I want or need in this life if it is important to me. To get this done as rapidly as possible I quit smoking pot completely and on the advice of various people started taking niacin to flush the THC out of my system quicker. While I cannot confirm it for sure, I have a suspicion that the niacin somehow messed with the med levels in my blood because I have been slowly spiralling down into sadness and depression like I haven't experienced since I started taking them steadily. To make it even worse my best friend in the world had a close relative who was killed which has created total chaos in her family, so she has been at home dealing with all that. I totally understand but I really do miss having her around to share with.
I don't know what to do anymore, I wander around because I don't have the energy or desire to put on the 'everything is great' face for people right now. I can't focus on my school work even though there is so much to do. When my roomate is away I sit at my computer and read the various posts here even though many of the stir up the emotional storm inside me again. I know I should take a break when I feelthis way but I can't; reading them makes me sad but sort of eases the hopeless loneliness gripping my heart. The only thing that is going right for me is that it is raining, I walk around in it so nobody can tell that I am crying. I don't know why I start crying. I can hear my step father in my head, "Real men don't cry". I can hear myself answering "then I am not a real man", but still I feel ashamed sometimes. I quit taking the niacin this morning but I don't know how long it will be until this goes away. I miss not having this crud in my head. I sit and look at my uncle who is so calm and stable and I am envious, I wish I could be like that sometimes. I don't know what I want with this post, I know that I am the only one that can fix it by being patient and continuing to take the meds. It does feel good to not hide my feelings deep inside, thank you for allowing me to expose myself a little bit.
poster:Maynerd
thread:597734
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060108/msgs/597734.html