Posted by zeugma on December 21, 2005, at 16:15:47
In reply to Re: survival instinct *poss Trig* » zeugma, posted by Gabbix2 on December 20, 2005, at 22:07:00
> Oh Zeugma, I so wish I could send you something to magically soothe you.
thank you Gabbi. Your kind words are soothing, especially since you do understand.
>
> Terror is the feeling I relate to the most. And my heart goes out to you. I would much prefer depression to unending horror.
> It's something I can't even describe, I was in that state for almost 5 years with little reprieve.
> Mind warping, world spinning.. fear.
> The Doctors always wanted to know what i was afraid of, I'd say "everything and nothing"
> They seemed to think that anxiety or fear was connected to apprehension, or worry, and to me it wasn't even comparable.>>It isn't, This is why CBT was a disaster. The therapist kept asking, "So what thoughts go through your head when you stand there on the supermarket line? What are you thinking that is causing the fear?" And my reply was similar to yours. It was terror, and the more I analyzed it, per CBT instructions, the more intense it became, to which she could only reply, "That's not supposed to happen"; given that I was meticulously following the CBT program in detail and it was causing a drastic worsening of my condition. It drove me to the point where I considered hospitalizing myself. Fortunately, I terminated the therapy (against her strong objections) and no hospital was needed. (By the way, therapy has ALWAYS worsened my condition. No matter what method the therapist practiced. IMO, there is a method which might have benefited me: simply listening to what I had to say. But that is a method which no school of therapy I have come across promotes.Or at least, no representative of any therapy has made it part of their practice, so far as it has been practiced on me. And there are therapists I have been subjected to who have done more than simply not listen.)
>
> That survival instinct can be a tricky thing..
> When I made the decision to suicide I'd suddenly obsessively fear death, which had only seemed to be a comfort the day before.
>
I know exactly what you mean. I would calm myself, at the most severe moments of depression, with the thought that I would eventually die, and so not experience the terror and pain any more. But then I would start examining my body for signs of deadly diseases, and this created a morbid preoccupation that was itself terrifying. As a child I did not expect to reach adulthood. Many times I didn't expect to wake up the next morning (or I should say, the next day).
> I used to get people to write to me, just mundane daily things they do.. because it seemed ironically, magical to me, that there was life, ordinariness, even happiness out there.
>
I would watch others in amazement that they could do mundane activities. I would see people crossing the street and would imagine that they could see the cars without straining to see them, and this shocked me. I told a close friend about ten years ago that my life was a 'worst-case scenario.' Meaning, not that every terrible that could happen had happened to me, but that there was so little of *me* <essence of me, feeling of being alive> to go around that that little had to be concentrated on pure survival. No therapist, to whom I've explained this at length to (meaning, every one of them) seemed to show the slightest grasp of what I was saying. Maybe they didn't grasp it- which would have been fine- but then they would have asked me what I was talking about! Or admitted they didn't understand! Ah, listening skills...
> Well, all that was my feeble attempt at empathizing. I've been free of it for two years, but I'll never be convinced that it's gone for good.
>
Far from feeble. I am very, very happy that you have been free from it, and ardently wish that it doesn't come back. I am afraid of its absence- hence the panic when I focused on something other than survival (like buying new furniture). But that fear, unlike the kind of nameless terror I suffered from before, is somewhat amenable to analysis of its causes, and does have a rational base in that fear of starving, for instance, has motivated me to eat when all I wanted to do was stay in bed for weeks at a time. Fear of that nature is adaptive. As is the fear that I could sleep through multiple alarms (because I do in fact sleep through them, and did yesterday, much to my enormous chagrin).> I hope you find some comfort.
I have, and also in your words which are kind and empathetic ((Gabbi))
>-z
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poster:zeugma
thread:590717
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20051215/msgs/591025.html