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Ramble - can't sleep

Posted by ClearSkies on December 2, 2005, at 22:52:44

Yes, I know it isn't late yet, but I used to get hours more sleep than I do at the moment.
I'm trying not to work so hard at getting to sleep. It's a Mobius strip, listening to my breathing, having it get shallower and quick, then the noggin starts churning out random ideas that Must be Written Down Immediately! Then I creep down to the kitchen, write my little list, and then it dawns on me that I haven't given Babble a full dose of ClearSkies View of my Limited World for a long time.

So I have been thinking about Christmas. Can't call them the Holidays, as I don't celebrate Hannukah or Kwanzaa. I'm not sure we'll have time to put up a tree, much as I would like to. We are having a lot of home improvements imminent. Hardwood floors installed, necessitating clearing our living room, dining room, and half bath of their entire contents. Thank goodness our garage, which normally actually houses our car, can accommodate most of the stuff. Moving it down the flight of stairs makes me think that a lot of it is junk. BUT... the heaviest items, the books, are my treasures. Even the ones I haven't read for ages, they feel like good old friends that I wouldn't want to abandon. When I divorced I went through the collection and took 4 boxes to a local used book store. Two and a half hours later, of giving the owner synopses of each and every book, I collected $62 and vowed never to put myself through that again. it was like delivering a eulogy for individual soul mates.

A new stereo and obscenely large television will be coming to live in the newly floored living room. My great excitement is being able to play a turntable for the first time in 7 years, Little did I know that a phono stage is now required to adjust the electrical output from the amp so the bloody thing actually works. I'm just grateful that we don't do the Tube Amplifiers you see in the specialty shops. They look too much like a Thomas Dolby album cover.

Back to Christmas - I am planning to give something to people I don't usually acknowledge; my hairstylist, my manicurist, the UPS guy, the postman. I am aware that each of these people really go out of their way to be friendly and approachable to me. I don't want to take these relationships for granted. They are the only true relationships that I rely on in my life, besides family.

And Christmas cards. I didn't send many the past few years, as I felt so completely wretched for most of that time. I am already worrying about what to say to the people I plan to write to. I don't want to put a generic newsy anonymous Xmas brag sheet in there.

I have some other homey projects in the works, too. A private yoga class that is close by. I have looked and looked and the ones in studios that are close by are in pretty nasty locations, or the facilities themselves are filthy. I don't feel comfortable doing Downwards Dog and inhaling deeply of a moldy carpet. So I found a tony little home who instructor works out of, with an enormous living room with picture windows floor to ceiling looking over a wild back yard. It's extravagent for me, but I know that my soul is starving for such a thing.

I have ordered a needlepoint kit as a starter for this new hobby I want to pursue. It's a cheater, with the design printed on the canvas. It's a modification of a Klimdt design, with those wonderful warm and jewel tones.

And I plan on recovering the stools I have at our breakfast bar. I found some interesting fabric, find of a geometric art deco design that should fit in with our vague and non-committal style we seem to be leaning to in our home improvement effort.

And reading... that comes and goes. I bounce from inspirational non 12-step books, to perimenopause self help guides, to drugstore paperbacks, to my wish list at Amazon.

I am loving to create and cook again. I get great satisfaction in opening my pantry and fridge, getting a limited inventory, and then searching on the internet for a quick recipe that uses some of what I've got on hand.

Sometimes my anxiety creeps out like a heavy fog that weighs my body and soul down. I don't try to work through it, as it seems to make it much worse. Instead I take a break, make a cup of tea (decaf, sigh), stretch out on the sofa, and read for a bit.

Some days I wake up in a depressive funk. These actually don't worry me at all, since I realized that most people have good days and bad days; and now that my medications are finally stable, That these feelings are sure to pass with some time and patience. The mood swings are unfortunate and poorly timed. I try to give myself a timeout before I rant at someone I love. Sometimes I'm successful. Sometimes I cringe the second after the words have dropped like venom from my lips.

I am so utterly grateful that I have Babble to come to and pour all this stuff out to. It's nice to get replies, to see tangent spin off and create lives of their own (like this thread doesn't have a question I'm looking advise on)...

One last project that I hope to pursue is to become a part time volunteer at a local domestic violence shelter for women and their children. I'm scared of this one, but have a very strong affinity for their plight, as I was in an emotionally, verbally, and sometimes physically abusive marriage for 18 years and never once felt that there was any place I could have gone to, being too scared. That particular time in my life was survived by assuming the role of a very highly functional drunk.

So that is me right now. If I think of any more rambling stuff you know that it will appear sooner or later.

ClearSkies


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poster:ClearSkies thread:584812
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20051120/msgs/584812.html