Posted by 10derHeart on July 24, 2005, at 14:33:41
Tomorow I am going to California for a week. Staying with my best friend and her family near L.A. I might be able to post, maybe once or twice, but knowing the condition of her computer, plus the way other visits have gone, even that is doubtful. But I'll give it a shot, mid-week, as I MUST sign on to email my T. No need to force myself to tough it out through 13 days not seeing him with no contact - he so skilled at answering emails :-)
If you think of me, I'll be spendng lots of time in Dodger Stadium, for any fellow baseball fanatics reading, and also at Disneyland. My best friend's hubby has worked at the park for many years, so it's a routine hangout for them. At little or no cost :-) Yes, her almost teenaged son and 5 year old daughter reap those special benefits of their dad's job year round. The phrase "must be nice," probably comes to mind.
I said "weird vacation" because friends here keep wishing me that, and it makes me feel so umcomfortable I stare at the ground and want to run away. As I haven't been employed for 11 months (mostly by choice-a long story for another time), and am now struggling with that on several levels, well...every day is a vacation for me.
I mean, I have no job stress to escape from, no grinding routine to need relief from. I feel super-guilty for going. But she bought my ticket and wants to see me. But I don't deserve this trip, and it just delays my half-hearted attempts to find a job for yet another week... :-( Nobody she might introduce me to better ask what I do for work, or remark on what a nice vacation it is for me to visit LA. I might freak out.
Hope I don't let those nagging thoughts mess up things. I will try hard not to. I love seeing her kids and her, and she is helpful at brainstorming life problems sometimes. I guess the sad and demoralizing thing is...when I retired from the military last summer, I went out there, too. To visit and talk, brainstorm about my future work.
So it's been a year and I appear to have done absolutely nothing. Except gain 25 pounds :-(
But on the inside...on the inside, my T. knows I've been working, very hard, really, it's just you can't really *show* that to everyone.Or maybe I'm not 100% sure that kind of work counts, so then I really am a waste of life....
<sigh> well, I've proven I can turn a simple *I'll be away-don't worry* post into a pathetic rant....hey, crazyT, please don't make me pay you any quarters this time....my finances are a bit shaky....
Later, everyone.
poster:10derHeart
thread:532772
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050719/msgs/532772.html