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advice about melancholy memories?

Posted by Jen Star on July 22, 2005, at 21:53:17

hi everyone,
lately I've been thinking a lot about my college years, for some reason. I'm not sure why. It's been 15 years...

Anyway, there was this one guy in college who completely broke my heart. He mashed it, pulverized it, stomped it. He was a foreign boy and I loved him obsessively and passionately, although we barely had a physical relationship. We were extremely close friends and would cuddle and hug (just a few kisses), and talked about everything. We were bestie friends, and I was sooo in love with him. He knew it. I wanted more but he did not. When it came time for him to go back to his country he started getting very cold and mean to me, and it hurt me so much. I know I was only a "kid" compared to now, and that what we had was probably weak at best, but I loved being with him.

Even now, although I'm very happily married and live thousands of miles away...even though I'm successful and established and friendly...sometimes I remember him and still feel mad and angry and bemused and amused and wistful all at once.

It seems that life is like an onion, do you agree? Every major period of life we grow another skin, but the previous one is just below it, there for the taking. My college-girl-in-love-with-XXX is still there inside me, and sometimes I still feel regrets over the past.

Is that weird? How do I stop those kinds of feelings? It's been so long ago, and I feel weak and stupid to remember it all. I'm sure HE doesn't remember me at all. Or if he does, it's probably with contempt. Why do I even care?

One time I was travelling with family and we happened to be in the country in which he lives. I thought seriously about looking him up, finding his street, walking by to sneak a peek. I did not do this, not even the looking up part. But the whole time in his country, I thought about him from time to time, wondering.

Weird? Lame? Creepy?
I don't understand myself sometimes. Why do I still CARE about that????

JenStar


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poster:Jen Star thread:531922
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