Posted by soulnik on May 23, 2005, at 0:08:57
I haven’t posted on these boards in months but I need to write and I have no one to talk to so… Both of my parents died recently. My mom on May 18th and my dad 8 weeks later on May 6th. I don’t get along with my family – my aunt told me the day after my dad’s death – that my extended family had become indifferent toward me. She explained their open hostility toward me at my mom’s funeral by telling that they blamed my mother’s death on the fact that I didn’t come home enough while she was sick and that made her suffer more. Now that it’s just me and my brother left, I have to be near and with my family so much more and I hate it. I can’t be there. It’s not home for me and everyone there dislikes me and I them.
I can’t sleep.
Then, on top of everything else, I apparently have mice in my own apartment. I have found droppings on my counter top twice now. I have no place to be that feels good and restful and comfortable. My apartment is loud. It's furnished with rented furniture that I don't like or own. My mattress is so old that I'm allergic to it. Now I have mice.
And I am alone here.
And there is no where else to go.And there is no one to go to for help. No one to appeal to. No one can make it better.
I am so fat and I hate myself. Though my BMI is high, I am a poor candidate for weight loss surgery because of my history with severe depression and binge eating. I will always be fat. I will always be in a body I hate. I will always look this way. Who could love someone who looks this way and who hates the way she looks?
I can't even ask God for help. I went to seminary so I’ve studied God in depth, so I know. All I can come up with is that there either is no God or God is too mean or too weak to help. The most God does is keep me alive. I'm like a sick person on life support. I'm being kept alive almost by artificial means even though my quality of life is nil. I take medication that keeps me just functional enough to breathe air and stay alive but I feel always like crap. My life is sh*t. I am too. My parents are dead and I don't feel anything but crazy and slow and messed up. I have no one and it doesn't even matter. There's no where to go and I can't do anything about it.
I used to believe God loved me and was using me for some divine purpose. I used to think God had a plan. Then I thought that if God had a plan, maybe God needed people to help execute it or maybe it’s just a really, really flawed plan so then I thought I could be a part of making it better. Then I used to think that if I disbelieved in God or God's power enough, it would make God mad enough to prove to me that God was present and able to help me. I used believe that if I doubted, God would provide a miracle that made me believe beyond a shadow of a doubt. Now, I can't afford to ACTUALLY believe because I am only ever disappointed by God. I used to believe if I let God know and lamented enough, God would help me. But God doesn't help. God doesn't do anything but keep me just always barely here and barely functioning and barely able to stay alive. I never even have the courage to kill myself. God doesn’t' do anything. God can't do anything.
That's why I can't do 12 step programs. They require that you "come to believe that only a power greater that you can restore you to sanity." You actually have to believe that there is some power somewhere that can make it better. But there isn't any such power. The AA Big Book says that you don't have to believe in God to believe in higher power. You're higher power can be the meetings or a philosophy or your sponsor. But I've been to the meetings and hate them. I have yet to come across any philosophy that does not, at some point, break down into smaller components of incoherent BS, and no person - sponsor, minister, friend, psychiatrist, doctor, lover, etc - can make it better. There is no higher power. There is just how crazy I am and how crappy everything is and how depressed I have always, always, always been no matter how many pills I take and no matter how much therapy I’ve had.And now my parents are dead and all I feel is numb and crazy and certain that I am dying and there is no way to stop it. I am ruined and wrecked and was before they died and now that they have died, there is no one in the world who actually cares enough to wonder about it with me. My parents were crazy and contributed to my crazy but they were also the only people who ever called me.
All of my fantasies are about going away from my life and being somewhere else and someone else and about being someone who is loved. And none of that will happen.
I know someone will tell me that my feelings are valid and that there are people that are there for me. I bet someone will affirm my right to feel everything I feel. I hope no one will blow smoke up my butt and tell me that “it will get better soon.” And I hope that, even if someone thinks it, no one will state the obvious and say to me that things feel particularly worse because of my parents dying. But I don't even want to hear any of that. Everything is bull at this point. It doesn't matter if my feelings are affirmed or anything else. Nothing is going to change anything because I always come back to some form of hopelessness or another. I am always back at sad and worthless and too weak to know what to do about it. I don’t even have the energy or the courage to kill myself. I’m afraid to do even that. I am always afraid of everything. I just wanted to write this somewhere.
poster:soulnik
thread:501526
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050513/msgs/501526.html