Posted by partlycloudy on May 18, 2005, at 7:28:29
Hmm. My therapist and p-doc are rooting for me (though I wasn't looking for validation from them, their enthusiastic support was great to get) as I end my latest attempt at staying employed. At least this time I was able to make a considerable contribution to a retirement account.
And now I won't have to fret over accrued vacation time. I've been at odds with my husband's 3 weeks' annual vacation time since I've known him. That's what happens when you keep getting fired :( This time I was able to open the door for myself, thanks very much.
No replacement has been found yet - the money is rather lean, the culture is (ahem) NOT diverse. There were 2 candidates - qualified and well presentable - who were dismissed out of hand due to their race and how they spoke. I'm very very happy to be leaving that aspect of the job behind. I've found it most distressing to discover that side of my co-workers and superiors. The prejudice is blatent and right Out There with no excuses except to say "now I'm not prejudiced, BUT..."
Yeah, right. Quite a far cry from the country I was born and raised in. But I am living here by choice, and now I have chosen *not* to work in an intolerant environment. It has really bothered me since I moved down here from Up North. I think that's part of why I feel such anxiety working for others here. An outspoken opinion only earns scorn and a shake of the head. "You wouldn't understand, being from Up North," the local natives I've worked with say. Like hell I don't. I recognize the many faces of prejudice as easily as anyone else - whether based on racial difference, or medical diagnosis. Only a handful of people here know why I'm leaving. To the rest I am just slithering away, to be supported by my husband and live a life of leisure. Feh! to them. May they speculate for all time.I still cry every day, but not a great deal. I am very tired, have a headache that's been going on for about a week, and my anxiety is a perpetual workmate. Half a xanax keeps me numbed for a couple of hours at a time.
My feelings at leaving employment are not really mixed. I don't suit this type of work, having to be "on" and at my sunny best all day long. When I am depressed and anxious it's impossible for me to pretend otherwise, and it feels false to paste on a Homer Simpson smile when I'm whithering and wimpering inside. So this is an enormous relief. No guilt here.
partlycloudy
poster:partlycloudy
thread:499364
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050513/msgs/499364.html