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Re: Security At Expense of Hunger for Life

Posted by corafree on March 29, 2005, at 13:33:51

In reply to Re: Security At Expense of Hunger for Life » corafree, posted by sunny10 on March 29, 2005, at 9:38:29

Fear those recreational activities of elderly behavior, i.e. like crochet and croquet! Oh, how can I talk so selfishly? I am sorry if my babbling regarding age is offensive. It has to be bad verbage. It also is because I'm unhappy w/ my mental health treatment received in the past 20+ years; those years may have been good for some people, but for me w/ what I know now, I allowed them to be stolen from me and I allowed myself to be tortured!

In an old 55+ park, will I meet someone who loves classic rock-n-roll, smokes cigs or doesn't w/o shame or shaming me, sits around talkin' about old times over too much coffee, and talks about things we still would like to do - dreaming on until dreams become reality!?!

I'm really something of an old hippie.

Figure age 55 plus 30 years of fighting a mental illness w/ wrong medication equals 85 yrs old!

But, today feel energy to run 5 minute miles and dress in gypsy clothers!

I look and feel 45 years old today and fear haven't the ability to separate myself from the older people I will meet there & their golf carts & their satisfaction with isolation. I'm really, really scared to accept this offer of security from my mother. She would never think it good enough for her and she is 65y/o to live there; it's all about my mental problems. It's all about them 'not dealing' with me.

If don't accept offer will rob my children of something for their future. I'm so confused; you all know that and know final decision, yeah, is mine. If I choose not to accept my mother's offer, I may only leave children w/ 'the knowledge that mom just had to keep risking - that's the way she was, happy or sad, that's what drove her and kept her alive.'

It seems it is toooo early to place myself in a 55+ environment and 55+ people, when I don't think or, know, I KNOW I CAN'T NOT let them effect me; unable to keep beliefs intact when confronted or even by simple suggestion. Babble, babble ...

Appt w/ another T today awaiting list of my goals, and also some pages re: what happened to me, what 3wks ? ago now - the 'nervous system shutdown' ... which we agree was an 'awakening of a newly found self.' Yeah, know what you're thinking, and, yes, could be the meds! Whatever, was, saying again I think, a Godsend.

I feel youth, seeking, hunger for the first time in years!!!!

This 55+ offer came AFTER the above 'falling down and coming up in another world.'

I wanted to do as you Sunny10 and go to a place to begin anew, but I've no $, and then came the 55+ offer.

For the first time in 10 yrs, I am comfortable here; most everyone knows my name; people like me that I didn't think did before. I enjoy hearing the children. I enjoy hearing the fireworks when a touchdown is made at nearby university. I like hearing the 20-30+ people around me laugh and be amusingly angry about things going on in their lives, overhearing them outside or through walls! I hear the train, the planes. If I need quiet for a bit, just stick in the ole' ear plugs (clean ones, you guys).

If I choose not to go w/ my mother's offer, I will forfeit almost $40,000 in equity of the 55+ property.

I can stay where I am, as the person who wants to buy the condo said it would be fine. Hope he would still allow the smoking, as my mother (who hates cigs) has.

Rainydayman came back and clung to me like his heart needed to suck some part out of mine. No real security w/ him, but he is another 'hunger' I will miss so badly. He and everyone I speak to, thinks the 55+ offer is the way to go. I feel mistrustful.

Why, why, why cannot I settle down and settle???

My plan from childhood, I think, was that at this time in my life I would live in the home I raised my children in. It's gone; went w/ last divorce.

If I settle, ... fear will feel giving in, not continuing a living life.

Thanks you all for listening to what is a journal of sorts. Sharing w/ you all is like having friends. And, you're right Sunny10, I do decide what to take and leave. But yet, I am so needy!

I guess that I don't think myself important enough to journal to myself!

I really want to stay gold - till the end.

Then also, the financial loss to me and my children is a big consideration.

I may be beginning to like it here on the fence.

When making a decision, I can't tell if I'm right or wrong until a foot touches one side or the other.

Tomorrow will go to 55+ manufactured home and watch, walk, scope it out.

Again, thank you all; just want to grow free as I grow old. Lack of self-esteem makes me sooo easily drawn to others' behavior/environment.

Goal #1 - Learn why am so vulnerable and so lacking in self-esteem that my individualism is fragile and easily challenged. Goal #2 - Another person is not and can not mirror me. Goal #3 - My environment does not and cannot dictate my behavior.

((((sunny10&all)))) cf


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URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050316/msgs/477233.html