Posted by gardenergirl on January 23, 2005, at 15:46:07
In reply to Re: please rephrase that - PS Dr. Bob » Angel Girl, posted by alexandra_k on January 23, 2005, at 13:49:17
One way I have used to check myself on "I" statements is to try to leave the other person completely out of the statement whenever possible. The idea is to state what you are feeling or thinking and to "own" that without placing the cause or "ownership" onto the other person.
For example, (and please note, I am using these statements for explanatory purposes, not to support or condone the content in any way)... Angel Girl's statement: I felt and still do, that this poster payed extremely little *concern* for my feelings.
reads to me that she is making a statement about Lou's apparent concern or lack of it.
What I think is the part that Angel Girl is feeling (and please correct me if I am wrong) is that she continues to feel hurt by this incident. So, using an "I" statement that places the ownership of the feeling with AG:
"I continue to feel hurt in regards to this incident." or
"I feel overlooked" or
"I am not satisfied" or
"I am angry"I think one of the reasons this is hard is that it is more risky personally, to express feelings as entirely our own. We often feel safer and more secure believing that others may be the "cause" of our feelings, particularly negative ones. But regardless of what may have triggered them, our feelings are our own. Using "I" statements helps to clarify that distinction, and thus, helps to avoid perpetuating hurt feelings back and forth. Because for example, I may argue that I did not do what someone accuses me of or that I had nothing to do with your anger, but I can't argue that you are angry.
Does this help at all?
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:445691
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050123/msgs/446314.html