Posted by just plain jane on January 22, 2005, at 19:02:19
In reply to Re: SAR, posted by Phil on December 14, 2004, at 19:55:57
Phil and friends of Stacie - SAR;
There is so much more to what I am perceiving and feeling right now, for what I am experiencing in my own psyche, than I believe I can express, but I must try.
If you read my "OMG" previous post, that tells a part of it. Oh, how SAR's death, and the responses of you PB frends in that thread, has impacted me, even though I never knew her.
When I read back through that original announcement thread just a few minutes ago, I don't know why I decided to. It sits on my Favorites list, "ANNOUNCEMENT" in the folder where I have my PB and other health/med bookmarks, and this is the first time I have read it since way back when I started reading PB, long before I ever posted.
There are some very odd-feeling connections, or something, going on here for me.
Reading it when I was not yet a poster really triggered me in a few ways. Reading it again now triggered, some new feelings/memories also.
The original announcement thread touched me deeply, having lost many close friends to their own hand. It also pulled me into PB, and SAR is a special person to me, also, because even though I didn't know her, she touched my life, with PB.
Just in the past month I have been intensely (ovewhelmingly, at times) enveloped in the relationship of my life, which is still going on in me, even though it "ended" physically twenty-two years ago, when the only man I love, have ever SHARED love with, the man I should have married, killed himself. Because we had been locked in this love that i could not allow myself to accept for eleven years. And he could not handle it any longer.
I thought I had accepted it at that time. Truth is, I still do not accept it. The easiest way to state how I feel is to say he will never die in me. Recently I came to the realization that, though we never legally married, I am his widow.
They say we all live on in our loved ones' memories. This is way more than that. I **feel** him still. It has never stopped, the love, the intensity, exquisitely almost painful.
Coming to Social just now and the first thing i see that i have not already seen is AuntieMel's post, "Remember sar? Who could forget (nm) AuntieMel 1/20/05" really SHOCKED me.
I read back through that thread and when I hit your post of "Vincent", it was just too much for me.
His name is/was Phil. Your screen name, Phil, triggered me the very first time I saw it here, and has been a fresh trigger every time since.
Your use of "Vincent" in honor and memory of SAR, as I perceive it, an unspoken statement that "this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you" is how you feel about SAR, even now, was, as I said above, just too much.
One of my closest friends back in those days placed me, similarly as you do SAR, as the one for whom "this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you". It has ever since been a major trigger and connector to that time, those experiences, those feelings, and the intensity of Phil.
This thread is about remembering SAR. I do not want it to become about my death-enduring relationship. I may post again on it, in relationships, perhaps. I can't continue now anyway or i will lose it.
I will always remember SAR. Thank you for sharing her with me.
just plain outta here jane
poster:just plain jane
thread:429578
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050116/msgs/445893.html