Posted by smokeymadison on January 16, 2005, at 18:33:47
In reply to could be pregnant--complications, posted by smokeymadison on January 15, 2005, at 20:22:23
I am suspended in heavy, thick air. I am somewhere down the rabbithole between reality and delusion. I have been here so many times, the smokey air almost smells familiar. There is no light. I grope about, trying to find some concrete thought onto which I might hindge the rest of this swirling mass of mind. There is only the promise that in a week I might be flooded with light, the passageway might open up and I might see what the rest of my life holds. But the meantime. In the meantime I am mad. I cannot sleep, cannot quiet the thoughts that assult my mind. And the lure of the Klonopin. Sweet, stilling Klonopin. If I should partake of it, the jelly bean, the tranquilizer of the red mind, I might, in nine months be presented with a monster. Limb deformities in animals, the pharmacist quoted. But Ambien might be safe, he said. If only I could afford it. If only I had the strength to walk to the pharmacy and buy it. The script lays here on my desk, a solution unfulfilled.
And Matt. Matt is the rabbit I am chasing down this hole. A sad, tired rabbit who has, perhaps, the clarity of mind I do not. He tells me that I am not pregnant, that it is all in my mind. Who is madder, the rabbit or the girl? He says that our lives will end if I am preganat. Well, everything that he holds to be his life might end, that is for sure. The Knight in shining armor, the good old Baptist boy will end. Perhaps they should end anyway. Are they not delusions in and of themselves? I suppose that we all hold delusions of what we think we are in this life. I have no concrete image of what I am, therefore to be faced with this is not as earth-shattering to me as it is to him. I must sleep. And only then can I awake from this dream, be it with a child or without.
SM
poster:smokeymadison
thread:442533
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050116/msgs/442899.html