Posted by Toph on December 6, 2004, at 22:07:18
Some here have seasonal disorder, which of course has more to do with sunlight than the season of Christmas. I have a seasonal disorder of a different sort. Christmas is depressing. As a child the intensity of expectations and even the message at church so excited me that I could hardly stand it. Every year we used to wait for the Sears catalogue which contained the latest toys. My mom used to love this holiday - she wasn't very social being obese and all, so she lived vicariously through her five kids. She spoiled us with gifts dispite my father's disapproval. We always had a big tree that was decorated with ornaments that we mostly made ourselves. I was in the church choir most of my childhood, and of all the times that church made sense to me it was Christmas. By some devine intervention the music is almost universally the most beautifully there is. Maybe I identified somehow with the message of hope because if there was ever a kid who counted on hope it was me. I had my first suicidal thoughts at age seven. Prayer, I'm convinced, got me through first and second grades where bullies reigned supreme and girls had this peculiar way of showing interest by making fun of you. Advance to adolescence when no doubt the devil's hormonal potion poisons adolescents with narcissitic needs to feel superior to their lame parents and to abandon the sentimentality of the holiday. One event as an adult almost revived my interest in the season. I purchased the nicest ring I could afford and proposed to my wife. I remember staying up late and practicing my proposal as the diamond sparkled in the tree lights. I tried to make Christmas special for my kids but repeated hospitalizations kind of put a damper on having planning things when life was so unpredictable. The killer of course was leaving home after discovering her affair. Christmas from then on was a season of disappointment and pain. Sometimes I think it is a cruel hoax to play on kids to let them believe that there is hope and love and a possibility for peace in a world driven by wealth, power and self-satisfaction. But see the wonder in the eyes of a child transfixed by the lights of the season. Why must the magic fade with age? Where is the hope promised in the story? For a time of rebirth why am I filled with regret? Why do I feel so depressed? Blame it on Christmas.
-Toph
poster:Toph
thread:425451
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20041202/msgs/425451.html