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Re: s*icide thoughts when not depressed deirdrehbrt

Posted by mair on September 26, 2004, at 9:25:55

In reply to s*icide thoughts when not depressed, posted by deirdrehbrt on September 25, 2004, at 20:10:47

I've struggled with this alot, and it's led to some interesting discussions with my T. There are certain physical sensations I associate with depression and certain other recognizable symptoms. I've noticed that at times, I can think about suicide quite a bit when none of the sensations and none of the other symptoms are present. My take on that is that if I'm suicidal when I'm not depressed, then my suicidal impulses are not the result of an illness which distorts but are, rather, a rational response to circumstances and just an indication of a self-loathing that is not depression-based. This logic makes the suicidal feelings that much more genuine, since I reason they are not a distortion.

My T's response (and we've talked about this alot) is that I have many different symptoms of depression and they are not all present at the same time. She just believes that the suicidal thinking is a symptom that is particularly enduring, but that it is a symptom, nonetheless. I buy her logic until the next time I'm feeling depression-free but otherwise suicidal.

She believes that my suicidal thinking got significantly less persistent when I added a particular drug. I don't like taking it much and I cut back on it alot early last summer. Every time I take a dive (like now) she reminds me that maybe I should consider increasing that medication.

I do have to say, a preoccupation with suicide used to be a bigger problem than it is now, so maybe she's right about the drug, or maybe I'm just a little stronger now. (This is looking at things over a continuum - the immediate here and now is pretty bleak). I still can think about it but I don't get as preoccupied - the thoughts are less frequent and don't tend to last as long.

Mair


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