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Re: (Trigger) » JohnDoenut

Posted by SandyWeb on July 7, 2004, at 12:11:17

In reply to Re: Thank You..(Trigger) » SandyWeb, posted by JohnDoenut on July 6, 2004, at 23:57:06

I've never seen the movie, "The Matrix". I'm not quite sure if I understand the dynamics of your message in relation to a matrix, but maybe you are talking about how our world and selves can change from one experience to another?? I could be way off base here.

In terms of my serious attempt, I have to say that I have "exorcised" one demon for the time being...but it has been replaced by another. I am not longer suicidal. I am at a place now where I have hope, and I will try to incorporate new coping techniques into my lifestyle. I feel good today, and I hope to continue along this path.

However, I have another demon to fight now. Even though I am not suicidal, I still want to cut my wrist again. Why? Because my thwarted attempt amounts to another failure within my mind. The plan I had for myself....the control I had over my own decision....did not pan out. I did not achieve what I set out to do, and that smacks of a lifetime of ambitions that I tend to fail at.

I understand that my thinking is warped...I recognize that...but it doesn't change the fact that I have these thoughts. More to the point, I will act on these thoughts unless I find a way to achieve some notable successess that will outweigh the suicide failure. Very warped thinking, yes. But I'm not sure how to escape from it. I had a tremendous amount of control over this event because it was MY OWN BODY....and even with that, I failed. But did I really fail, since my soul reached out for help through the telephone line? It's a tough one to answer.

I'm sorry if I completely am off base here. I'm not sure what is meant by a "matrix". I guess I should watch the movies, huh? *smile*

Here's hoping our brains stop being so mushy!!! Lol!

Hugs,

Sandy


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