Posted by Scott in Vermont on June 23, 2004, at 9:54:24
In reply to Re: My pdoc appt today » Scott in Vermont, posted by daisym on June 22, 2004, at 19:02:55
I would disagree on a certian level, because while the "up" certinally is MUCH better than the "down", it's still a situation that is undesireable because of the lack of control. When i am able to "control" it and harness the energy, I accomplish amazing things. However, if I cannot harness it, it's just as debilitating as the depression because I spend my time doing "fun" things like drinking to excess and then go bomb a logging trail with my mountain bike. Fun? Hell yes. Stupid? INCREDIBLY so. It's odd... when I am "up" I actually engage in MORE activities that might kill me than I do when I am "down". When I am "down" I'm miserable and want to kill myself. When I am "up" I'm (unconciously?) engaging in activities that actually CAN kill me. Of course, on a concious level, I will just say that I'm having fun. But I wonder if it's not "intentional". Here's an example to illustrate my point a bit better, one I hope most people get.
There is cartoon called "Ren & Stimpy", and in the specific episode I am referring to Stimpy invented a "mind control" helmet that made Ren HAPPY all the time (this is the episode that unleashed the now infamous "Happy happy, joy joy!" song on an unsuspecting world). Ren went absolutely mad, because while he was REALLY happy, he knew something was terribly wrong with him. That is how I feel when I am "up". Yes, I'm happy. I'm TOO happy. And like Ren, if I were wearing a helmet that was making me that way, I would take a hammer and smash it off my head as well.
I don't want up, and I don't want down. I want level (with the appropriate reactions to the ups and down in life). The down is miserable, and the up can be frightening (albiet after the fact).
I know I could be worse off. I'm still "functional" for the most part even in the apex of a high or the nadir of a low. I can mask this pretty well (lots of practice) so even when my mind is absolute chaos, my exterior remains as placid as a mountain lake. Most of the time, tat is... :)
In all, it's annoying and I want it to stop.
poster:Scott in Vermont
thread:359046
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040619/msgs/359374.html