Posted by Racer on June 22, 2004, at 12:24:04
Sorry, I'm a good little middle-class woman of a certain age, so it's very hard for me to resist that urge to downplay my good points and deflect compliments. Anyone who's been reading my latest posts know that I'm in a very, very bad place right now. On the other hand, I can tell you some of the things that I do like and admire about myself. And I'll tell you another little secret about me: I don't think I'm the whole problem. I think that an awful lot of this is an environmental thing, despite the fluctuations of self-loathing.
Since I usually express that self-loathing, or that distress here, I thought I'd introduce some of the rest of me to you. Yeah, it sounds like bragging or something, but at least it shows that I can see some of my good points, even at the worst. And maybe I'll come back and read it again when I need some of it.
1. I am educable. (I think that's a word, I think it's the one Jane Austen used to describe Catherine Morland in "Northanger Abbey") To me, that means that I can learn, and the ability to learn is a great gift.
2. I know myself pretty dang well, even if I can't always do anything useful for myself because of that knowledge ;-) It's still a good thing.
3. One result of the traumas of my childhood -- real or imagined, don't matter which anyone else decides they are -- is that I'm very fluent in body language, non-verbal communication. It makes me a better teacher than I would otherwise be, because I can adjust to the students who are truly intimidated and truly need reassurance and encouragement, and to the students who are really just wanting attention or don't want to work. I'm very proud of my teaching ability.
4. I am a loyal friend, and have a talent for maintaining good, stable friendships with people I like, respect, and admire.
5. I learn many things rapidly. (This is actually a mixed blessing -- anything that *doesn't* come easy is harder than steel.)
6. Although I'm not very visual, I am very creative. The analogy I use, when I try to describe that creativity, is piano and violin. Violins -- which I made to suffer through grammar school before my mother finally allowed them relief from me -- have an infinite number of sounds available. Success in playing violins is related to millimetre changes of finger position. I can't do that. Pianos, on the other hand, have a key here, and a key there. How you press them matters, and extends their range, but the "A" key will always give you some variety of the note known as "A" That's my form of creativity.
7. I'm pretty well read, although not so well as I'd like to be. Within certain subjects, though, I'm pretty dang well read.
8. I write pretty well. Again, not as well as I'd like, but even in the midst of this recent hell, I had a paper accepted to a peer-reviewed conference on non-school-based science education for adolescents. Even though it sounds as if I'm hedging too much on that, by the way, remember the last point: I'm pretty well-read. I can read what I've written and recognize its flaws. When I'm in a better place, though, improving my writing is something I'd like to do. I know *why* I don't write better, by the way: through school, including college, my writing was better than most of my schoolmates', so the teachers and professors just graded it higher. It either never occurred to them or they never had the time to help me learn to do it better. Sometimes it's not an advantage to be at the leading edge of the Bell Curve, you know?
9. I'm damned good at finding solutions to insoluble problems. Most of it is an ability to plod along, just checking and rechecking and rerechecking, but some of it is that occasional flash of brilliance that we all hope for. I do get them, and they usually illuminate a solution for me. That, my BabbleBuddies, is one hell of a gift.
10. I can see connections. That's always been my definition of my abilities. I can see connections. There's a series of books by Orson Scott Card, beginning with a book called "Seventh Son" that includes that ability as a sort of magical gift. Yeah, I can see some connections between people -- mostly that goes back to the non-verbal communication, though -- but I can see the connections between historical events (improved my grades no end, being able to draw in deBuffon when writing a paper on Aphra Behn, for instance), between phenomena, etc. I think it was Samuel Johnston who defined "wit" as "the finding of occult resemblences between apparently unlike things." Something like that, at least. Well, that's me. (The meaning of "wit" in those days, by the way, had nothing to do with humor.)
OK, so I managed to find 10 things to admire about myself. I'm also not a bad person to turn to for support, because I'm not too bad at providing it when I'm able. And I'm generous in every way I can be. I also donate blood. (Can't actually do that right now, though -- flunked the weight test. Gotta gain some before I can donate again.)
Thanks for reading this, if you have. Now it's your turn. If I can do this when I'm barely holding on, the rest of you can dang well manage at least 12 items on your list.
That, my fellow BabbleBuddies, is a challenge. Who's gonna take it?
poster:Racer
thread:359049
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040619/msgs/359049.html