Posted by gardenergirl on June 14, 2004, at 14:16:29
Hi folks.
I know I posted about my car wreck. That is slowly but surely getting settled, and I have a new car now. Yippee!
However the wreck opened the door to another one of those caverns of pain. I've been working with it in therapy, but there is definite overflow into the rest of the week. A lot of it has to do with my mother, and how, due to her narcissism, she was not a good enough mother for me. I'm stunned and frightened by the intensity of the pain that is coming out. And the frequency.
So hit number two: (car wreck is one). Starting tomorrow I'll be with my Mom while she goes through hip replacement surgery. She'll be in the hospital pretty much the rest of this week. I "volunteered" to be there as much as I can with her, since she is afraid of medication errors or ineffective pain management. I have some skill in being an advocate for patients, so that will come in handy. But last week I spent one afternoon with her and was ready to scream and was absolutely exhausted. One thing that was helping me cope with the idea was that my sister was coming from FL to spend next week with Mom. And then my two aunts were coming, so once she was home, I was going to have a couple weeks off and then would be back if she needed it.
Hit number 3) My sister is in the hospital. They don't know what is wrong with her yet. She's having lots of tests. Working hypothesis is mono at this point, but they are doing a radioactive scan today to check her liver and galllbladder, since her liver enzymes are up. So, not only is she in the hospital in another state, where I can't be with her (we are close), but obviously, she can't come next week.
Of course I'm not mad at her, but right now I feel really alone in this. You know, I spend so much energy in coordinating communication with the rest of the family (my parents don't speak), and in dealing with details, that I don't allow myself to process my own feelings. And of course, no one by my T really asks how I'm doing with all of this. My hubby just left for an out of town business trip, although he will be back later in the week. It's just that with all this going on, I'm completely overwhelmed.
And don't forget my dissertation pressure. The car accident put a crimp in that for a bit. I was looking forward to getting back into it. But it's hard to write coherently when you are crying uncontrollably. I've been "hiding" from my dissertation chair, who was also my boss at the center, because I just don't want to admit to him that I've not made progress like I planned. Isn't that crazy? My T convinced me to send my chair an email just stating the facts of everything that is going on. So far I haven't been able to bring myself to do that. But I know I have to. And there's nothing he can do about it really. Not right now.
So, I'm just asking for support. I'm feeling really alone and crappy right now. Actually, I'm asking for ongoing support. To help me get through the next two weeks until my aunts get here. Any positive wishes or energy, prayers, jokes, support etc. is welcomed. I will have internet access while at Mom's. I'm also hoping to get home a night or two if my brother will stay with her overnight. That remains to be seen. And I've got a tentative appt. with my T for this Friday, and then I don't know when I'll be able to see him again until my aunts come. I meant to ask him about phone sessions. I know when I left his office today, I just broke down because I didn't want to leave. It's been like that the last few sessions. Maybe I need to go more than once a week when I can.
Sorry I haven't been more support on Babble, but I think I have a good excuse or three! :)
Thanks for "listening",
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:356603
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040611/msgs/356603.html