Posted by SandyWeb on April 20, 2004, at 22:46:25
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on April 20, 2004, at 21:22:23
What, am I still alive?
And as I turn on the lamp over the computer, a bulb burns out. And it makes it shadowy. And not quite real. And yet, I still find myself here.
I don't cry anymore. I walk, and I sleep, and I walk some more.
Everyone seems to have left me without saying good-bye. And so I turn my back and keep on walking. I wouldn't want anyone to be a part of my life, anyways. I tend to cause pain, and people have enough of their own to deal with. It's too much to take on another's.
The police said that I was a fighter. That I had extroidinary life and survivor skills. That there was a place for me. But they are mistaken. They see what they want to believe in. I was too insecure to stand up for myself. I don't have "survivor" skills.....I have "hiding" skills. Hide from the world, hide from myself....hide from God.
I've been cutting my arm the past few days. Nothing major....very easy to clean up. But there is something about the discomfort....something about the pain and the punishment that I take upon myself. It seems to allow me not to be so angry with myself. And it keeps me hard and untouchable. I'm not going to allow anyone to make me cry again.
It's a strange place that I find myself in now. I don't quite know what to make of it. But no matter where you go, you have to find some sort of comfort zone.....something that keeps you from floundering. I don't know where I am right now....but I guess the cutting helps me to not go under. It keeps me in the day.....because tomorrow is too much to think about.
I wish the two cops had said good-bye to me. We were chatting a bit via email, and I felt a certain amount of trust towards them. I told them a few things.....but that's where I made my mistake. I allowed them to see a bit of who I am, and that's not fair to them. I involved them in my life, and that means a certain amount of distress for them if something ends up happening with me. I should never share myself, even if it's a little here and a little there. I'm smaller than a speck on an iceberg......I don't want to cause anyone to feel sad.
But I still wish they had said good-bye when I told them that it was best if I leave them alone. I sensed a really nice friendship between the two of them, and it would have been comforting to know that maybe they thought well of me. Ah well, I should learn to keep close to myself. No one needs to know even the slightest inkling of what my life has been like. My life has been an absolute blessing compared to some other people's. I'm not that self-important.
The sun will be coming up on another day soon.
I think it's supposed to rain.
I should close my eyes.
Take care. God bless.