Posted by spoc on April 1, 2004, at 23:53:39
In reply to Re: autistic spectrum, posted by ramsea on April 1, 2004, at 5:08:23
Hi everyone,
I have never gotten much help or info for my issues, whatever they are (!). Does the following sound like an Asperger's/spectrum thing? I can relate so much to what you describe, Ramsea. Especially about somehow just being more at peace when alone/in your comfort zone, rather than feeling a phobia. I too come from a 4 person family where 3 have social issues, one very, very much so. The fourth, supposedly unaffected one is me, but it hasn't been genuine. If they would look at my childhood and teen years they'd see that, but in subsequent years I became so good at fighting my nature that I guess I fooled even them. Now they find it hard to believe that I too am "sequestering." I moved from home to another state when pretty young and managed for awhile to be a chameleon in hiding my true desire to be alone A LOT. I could pull it together for weekends only but I could get away with that and just look responsible.
So as a single person all my life I pushed myself sporadically to fight it, and over the last decade became even too good at it. *Because,* it took every ounce of every kind of energy within me to keep my head in that place, which wasn't natural for me. I fought myself because I kept thinking it's just too much of a dirty rotten shame. I have so many blessings and when I am able to keep up with "normal" levels of interacting, I do see that as far as relationships in general, I could get out of my life all of the things that most people find important. But even when I have been in a period where I am able to force myself to be relatively involved, in between outings I *always* have that drive to get alone again ASAP. To regroup and recharge. I'd let *nothing* stand in the way of that. Sometimes even when I was *out* and having a pretty good time, I'd have to find a reasonably empty bathroom or leave to go to a store -- just *HAD TO* have a few minutes alone. But NOT "scared," unhappy or mad; just HAD TO get away!!! As if I'd jump out of my skin if I didn't. Staying involved in an active singles life in a big, interconnected city with highly social friends takes so much effort for me that all else in my life will get neglected, and it comes about as naturally as standing around with one leg in the air.
But I have had good romantic relationships since I became adept at spotting the only kinds of personalities that I can hope to really let in. I do develop a comfort level beyond what I would have believed was possible, but it is never at a "normal" level to them, and I always end up "being the guy." Unable to commit to many plans or to spending a lot of time together and "going forward." Even if a boyfriend (or friend for that matter) reduces his hopes down to just renting a movie with me instead of going out, sometimes I just can't let him in. Whereas the night before or even that morning we may have had a fabulous time and really bonded; and I may be deliriously happy just remembering it but that is enough to last me for days! I CAN'T LET HIM COME BACK YET, even though I know it can't be enough for him and I may lose him. I always thought my ideal permanent relationship -- and my only chance -- would be in a "date forever" rather than move-in-together scenario. I can definitely commit to one person and feel very close to him, and wouldn't be with someone who still saw others. But what I can handle just isn't what most people are ultimately looking for in a relationship. Should I just make peace with this??
Although now that I haven't been in a relationship in awhile, it's hard to remember or believe I was able to ever be comfortable at all, I think maybe I could have even gotten beyond this and lived with someone. But about a year and a half ago I started giving in to my true nature and letting that leg down that had been up in the air for so long. I work at home and was progressively *able* to shut myself off more and more (and I *do* wonder if that accelerated things that otherwise may have remained manageable!!!). I became less and less able to swim upstream anymore, and stopped forcing myself to accommodate friends who wanted to go out. This worries me at times because there's no way anything is gonna stumble into me in my apartment to get me involved again and I'm "too old" to give up this time to being alone if there's any chance I can at least find one special person to get used to, just one more time. But that's just "intellectualizing" from what other people like and from some very very good memories -- because I am not and never have been lonely! I do not know what loneliness feels like!!! (Unless it's coming out in things like my OCD-like issues and eating problems instead...)
Ramsea, you say the following, and maybe I should apply the same logic to me trying to stay involved enough that I have a chance of ending up with a partner someday. Which, according to most, is better (and I know that since I packed it all in, I am not taking care of my health or appearance like I used to, which is never good).: "..But when it is all quiet I am sure I will look back and feel good about this decision to let kids drop-by pretty freely. But I can't lie and say it is anything but quietly extremely stressful..."
But aside from fear of regrets I can't deny that I am strangely content much of the time when alone here. I am no longer even mysterious or creative about explaining myself; I've pretty much made it official that I enjoy what I enjoy for whatever reason, don't ask beyond that, especially if you expect to talk me into something. With every hook I find a way to permanently let myself off of -- one less scheduling obligation or person to give explanations to -- I am THRILLED, like summer break just began or I just got my first apartment. And in my heart I have not looked back, only made myself unhappy at times through intellectualizing about it.
Over this last 1.5 years, I have had -- and may continue to have -- a few days here and there where I can get myself out around people, but some permanent change or acceptance seems to have set in. Then I tell myself no, it's fatigue and depression talking, I can rally for a good spell again...Although I really just don't know where the lines are drawn anymore, I do know that it has always been easier for me to be alone than not to. I still have a "rich phone life" talking to and supporting friends, and am told I give a lot to them that way. But even that I have to space out and can't always do. Again, not a phobia, and not necessarily a mood either. I just can't make a connection sometimes and at those times it will show if I try. Then I may indeed *begin* to sound like something's wrong, because I just...CAN'T turn my focus from inward to outward and I get frustrated!
Ramsea, you also say: "..it is my hope that someday I will make (a friend) who understands the neurological conditions I deal with... I can be a generous and non-judgmental person..." AMEN, I am so with you here. There are only a few people I feel close to that way, and I have mostly banished them to the phone lines these days. But still, they have proven to me (where I long doubted it) that they get a lot from our friendship anyway, even just in the "quality" of the talks we have and the insights we share at times. And they do wish very much that we could get together more, but if not, they still want to be a part of my life in some way. I wish all this for you too because non-judgmental yet caring is a wonderful combination and you can bring a lot of happiness without ever fitting the standard mold.
Anyway, not looking for a diagnosis here but insights would be hugely appreciated. This spectrum thing is brand new to me. Never heard of it until very recently. Does my saga fit with Asperger's? *SO* sorry for the ramble!
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> Funny what you said anout when the kids are grown they'll all want to hang out at the withdrawn mom's house. That's my situation. I have Bipolar1, ADD and I believe myself to be some form of autism--it fits too well, my dad has it, one brother and sister have been touched by it, and one of my children. But my teenage daughter is elegantly social, poised, smart in her interactions and popular...
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> > Truth or Dare: Truth. I have to take great care of emotions (mine) when they are about. It's a job to me, so I do it. I wear earplugs. I leave the house for long periods and walk in the woods or go to a film. I take extra sleeping tablets, knowing my partner sleeps light. Basically I like no one in the house but me/partner/kids. And I love being here all alone too.
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> I know my daughter plans to move off in a year and my son has already, so really I am doing a saintly number here because all these people can be very distressing and upsetting, just because they are there. But when it is all quiet I am sure I will look back and feel good about this decision to let kids drop-by pretty freely. But I can't lie and say it is anything but quietly extremely stressful.> I am so happy to meet others who struggle with the autism diagnosis.
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> I tried to see an expert but he put me off and I still fee humiliated and wronged. Thank you for reading this, though I seem incapable of making friends it is my hope that someday I will make one who understands the neurological conditions I deal with, and the bipolar. I can be a generous and non-judgemental person, but I seem to get something important wrong.
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poster:spoc
thread:329062
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040331/msgs/331622.html