Posted by Racer on February 19, 2004, at 19:13:51
In reply to Re: Sounds like me, too, so here's my story » Racer, posted by fallsfall on February 19, 2004, at 9:36:39
After a pretty good marathon of a nap, here are a few things I thought of regarding your daughter.
First of all, this is all coming just from my memories of my own problems, so take it for what it's worth. Did I know I needed help? Yes, and no. I certainly knew I needed something, but I couldn't express what -- not even to myself, so it wasn't conscious deception on my part. On the other hand, it had been drilled into me so well that it was dangerous to express any need of any kind, that it made it difficult to accept any offers of help, let alone ask for help. Does that make sense? I was taught so well that I had to be able to have all the answers for myself, without any help, that it felt like punishment to fail in that. Accepting offered help was failure, so it would have been a very tough sell.
Now, on the hopeful side, there were two ways to get inside me then: I was perfectly willing to talk to just about anyone, unless it got "too scary," and I was in a great deal of pain, so it wasn't that hard for me to try to find comfort from others. The too scary part is why you need a really good therapist for an adolescent, because if anyone had approached me more directly, I would have drawn back. The one good counselor I saw in those days was gentle in her probing, and while I knew she was often frustrated with me, she kept trying by talking about more neutral topics in between her little digging expeditions. Looking back, she almost got to it with me, which is a little heartbreaking now.
Now for some of your questions:
My mother believed in therapy, so when the school "strongly recommended" that she hie me off to a counselor, she was receptive. These days, Child Protective Services would almost certainly have been involved in all this, by the way. In fact, my "symptoms" were a classical textbook example of sexual abuse that I'm pretty sure someone would have reported it as more than a diffuse problem. Anyway, the problem with therapy for me was the setting in which it took place. I may as well tell you about that, since it explains a bit more about what happened.
Langely Porter Psychiatric Institute, in San Francisco, had family counseling service in those days that saw each family member once per week, then all together once per week. Same therapist for all, and that therapist changed every three months. Do I need to go on? (I'll only say that the end of any hope of help there came with a very traditional East Indian counselor whose only "therapy" for me was to tell me that I was "wicked" for continuing to disobey my mother and cause her so much pain.)
Now, based only on myself, here are a couple of suggestions focussed on something other than ancient history.
First, have you tried approaching the issue of therapy from a "not about her depression" angle? Something like, "You know, dear, I'm feeling as if you're taking the brunt of my depression, and as if, since I can't give you your full share of attention and support, I should get you involved in a support network, for help with things you may not be learning in school, like Time Management, Study Skills, etc. It would make me feel a lot better, and relieve some of my anxiety about you if you'd consider it." Some way of saying, "Look, Kiddo, you're not me, and you're not like me, but the you-who-isn't-like-me might need some kind of support you're not getting right now. Whaddaya say?" Or, depending on your daughter and your relationship with her, you could just say, "Look, I know that you and your father think that my therapy caused the separation, but it didn't. I want you to experience therapy, just to prove that to you. Will you try it for, say, two months?"
Second, after watching you go through depression -- which is a Serious Mental Illness and therefore sensitive enough to begin with -- that word itself is probably so loaded she can't hear anything said afterwards. Try talking in terms of symptoms, not dx. Things like, "Hey, Sunshine, you look a little upset today. Is there anything you'd like to talk about?" Focus on the behavior -- how she experiences it, not on any sort of why -- and let her find her own way to the dx.
Kids is hard. My ex-bf's son suffers from depression, and he went through a really, really rough time a few years ago. (Shortly after I left his father and moved four hours from the community where we lived.) He came down to stay with me, over a Thanksgiving weekend, and we ended up spending much of Thanksgiving Day sitting on a sofa stored in my mother's garage, with the garage door open on a busy street, because he was sitting there helping me find something else stored in that garage when the dam finally burst. He was in his late teens by then, and just fell into my lap crying his little heart out, just the way he used to curl up in my lap when he was little. It was the first time he'd talked to anyone at all about any of it, and it all came out at once.
If your daughter isn't receptive when you talk to her, by the way, don't overlook the possibility that there's another adult out there whom she will listen to. It is not unfair for you to go to a teacher she trusts, a sports coach, a librarian, whoever it is, and say, "Please, help my daughter." That's not deception, it is good parenting. My Sonshine wouldn't have been with me that weekend and I wouldn't have known to look for signs of impending communications if his father hadn't called and asked me to give it a try. (Then again, that young man carries a big piece of my heart with him every moment of his life, and I think he knows it. I like to think that I'd have seen through his mask, and been aware of his pain anyway. Sorry, fallsfall, he is The Best Kid Ever In The Entire World. %-D )
Best luck with your kidlet, and if there's anything I can tell you that might help, ask it. I'll tell you this: today I'm barely functional at all, and I've made myself type all this in hopes it can help you and your daughter. Anything at all I can offer you to help, is yours. Children are too precious to risk not trying, and I hope this works out well for you and yours.
poster:Racer
thread:315042
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040219/msgs/315846.html