Posted by socialdeviantjeff on January 12, 2004, at 1:28:35
I need to vent.
i'm getting tired of all of this crap. I wish I could lay down and make the world and everything in it stop. Just suspend everything. Like pressing a big godlike pause button.
As I sit and write this I wonder what the h*ll I ever did to deserve living in this constant physical and emotional malaise. Was it something in a former life? Or, if there's no reincarnation then God has a very sick sense of humor and that is that. Or maybe whatever power that's out there is comparable to nothing but an absentee landlord.
I don't even know if I'm depressed anymore. I have everything to cry about and I can't shed a tear. All I feel is this sick cold anger. Jealousy of other people. Regret I brought my daughter into this world. I love her to death and she deserves so much more than what I have to offer her.
For somebody who was once reasonably resourceful and self-suffucient, this new seeming total dependance on the State and my parents is terrible. Instead of being able to pull my own weight I now feel forced to take on the role of finding someone to take care of me. Not that anyone would have me, I can be pretty hard to get along with. I think of the future and all I can see is this bleak hopeless waste of time.
After all I have tried to do, I'm becoming the person I never wanted to be and was most afraid of becoming.
poster:socialdeviantjeff
thread:299676
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040109/msgs/299676.html