Posted by Emme on January 6, 2004, at 0:50:34
In reply to Is this supportive?, posted by Susan J on January 4, 2004, at 14:22:25
Hi Susan,
>
> Anyway, I *have* been bummed around the holidays and my family has noticed.
>
> I was talking to my mother about my dad who procrastinates and I told her I empathize because I cannot for the life of me start a decent project right now.
>
> She asked if I had thought about going off the drugs. I've told her in the past I'm scared to go off WB, because when I went off Paxil, I was great for 2 weeks and then plunged back into depression. But she's made it clear that she does not like drugs for depression in the past.That is a tough prejudice to overcome.
> I told her this. She said I only see the negative but that she realizes depressed people often only see the negative. And she wonders why I cannot see that she's trying to be supportive. I told her that I'm grateful for her support, but the way she does it *hurts* me. She said I shoot down every suggestion she makes. I don't know how to make it clear to her that she cannot solve my depression (although I've told her that scores of times), but that being supportive is great. What I *shoot* down is all her suggestions like eating better, exercising, getting enough rest, getting into a routine, trying to see things more positively.
You're not being negative! You've got a basic mismatch here. Solutions vs. sympathy modes. What you need is unconditional support - you already *know* what you need to do. You just need to know she cares. As a parent, she's in "fix-it" mode and wants to solve the problems. That makes it feel like your problem is not being taken seriously or understood, or that you're being blamed for not doing the right things. It's upsetting.
>
> They do it because the pain is overwhelming and literally unbearable.Yeah, coping skills swamped by pain.
> I think N's grief over losing his aunt would be a lot less painful and definitly shorter than the pain I'm experiencing while depressed.
People understand the concept of needing painkillers for a broken bone. But society doesn't have a good way to measure psychic pain.
> I just gave up. I told my mom that I don't ever want to talk about my depression with them, because even though I know they mean well, it hurts to hear what they have to say. She reiterated that I was only seeing the negative in what they said. Like it's all my fault.
> He said he was sorry and added that he *wasn't pressuring me* but if I ever wanted to, he'd like to sit down with me and discuss other ways to beat depression other than drugs.
> Fine. Wasn't in my face. I knew he meant well. But there is still this overwhelming prejudice there against drugs and I swear to G-d meds are the *only* thing that have kept me alive this past year.It's nice that they called. But have they ever read any of the fine books describing mood disorders? Maybe they need to read about it in someone else's words in order to have a more complete understanding of what you're dealing with. Can you ask them if they would do that for you?
> So, I ask. Do *you* guys think I'm only seeing the negative here?
No. No. And No. You appreciate their good intentions and give them credit for that. So you can appreciate the good part. You may be able to find some new ways to educate them and it sounds like they care, so maybe they'd eventually try a different view point. You're fighting a tough battle where you shouldn't have to. I have a little of that in my family, though not quite as bad.
Emme
poster:Emme
thread:296387
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031229/msgs/296994.html