Posted by socialdeviantjeff on December 29, 2003, at 3:16:11
For a while I feel like a total failure. The next minute I feel like I'm doing the right thing. I don't know. I try to remember the good in my childhood and nothing comes. I don't want my daughter to have the same problem. I don't want her to be tainted by the stigma of my illness. I know people with serious problems. Cystic fibrosis, diabetes, etc. I would trade places with one of them in a heartbeat. Most people I know have no clue about what really happens in my life. A lot of people complain about not being able to "think straight". I can never seem to "feel straight".
Most mornings I wake up and just want to curl up and die. Other mornings I wonder why I don't feel that way. Maybe die isn't the best thing. I'd settle for a comfortably numb limbo.
I've been grappling for years with the work problem. I've quit or been fired from so many jobs. I'm lucky that my current manager is understanding. She is way better than my old manager whom I filed numerous complaints about. Now he is in some serious hot water, thanks to me and some other people. I was actually persecuted and it wasn't a delusion. Who would have thought? I just hit the six month mark there, which is a minor miracle for me.
Anyway, it's time to try to go to bed. Be back tomorrow.....
poster:socialdeviantjeff
thread:294232
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031217/msgs/294232.html