Posted by deirdrehbrt on November 6, 2003, at 18:22:20
Hey everyone...
Well, I'm back with a computer at home. I let a friend borrow the laptop that I usually use, and I knew I had another computer to use here. Unfortunately, when I used it in the past, I was on broadband, and using the network card, and not a modem. Well, guess what didn't work. Time's running out..... 5.....4.....3.....2.....1.... time's up! Do we have a winner? Yes we do! it's the MODEM!
So, I got another modem, and lo, and behold, it worketh.
Now, we can catch up with what else has been happening. I'm always terrified of anything that seems to be a worsening of my symptoms. I think that if my T sees me getting worse, then that makes me a problem patient, and she would want to kick me out.
The past week was rough. With the breakup of a support group that I was running, to a return of hallucinations, more moments of mania, forgetfullness (leaving my oven on for four days), finding canned food in my cat's bowl, and I never use canned food, and this sort of thing, I was certain She would be mad at me.
My appointment was today, and I told her all that was going on, and that I was afraid that I would be shown the door, I waited in my time of terror for her to speak.
A certain friend is in collusion with my T. They both told me that I was making positive progress, even thoug some things occasionally return. My T said that I'm working hard, that I'm dealing with the hard issues, and that a difficult patient is one that doesn't try.
Today I bought a timer that I can keep with me for when I cook. When the timer goes off, everything should be off the stove, and the stove should be off. Maybe this will prevent my stove or oven from turning bread into bricks. and my oven into a room heater.
This sort of problem is really very wearing. I resent that I have to go to lenghts like that to live a life. I don't like looking at every-day things and wondering how they might be dangerous if I lose my concentration or if someone in here decides to do something else in the middle of it.
In order to be safe, I no longer drive, I no longer work, and at times, I shouldn't ride my bicycle or for that matter walk. I know I'm getting better, but maybe it's in getting better that I am learning just how dangerous my life has been.
I know the blame isn't on me. There are people though, real people, who are to blame for a good amount of the things I'm dealing with. I don't know if I will ever confront these people. There are a lot of interesting questions on the list. We'll see if they are ever asked.
I believe I've rambled enough. It's good to be back.
Dee.
poster:deirdrehbrt
thread:277264
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031031/msgs/277264.html