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Fist Fights - Long

Posted by fallsfall on October 27, 2003, at 8:27:03

I go to local support group (not mental health) and have been going there regularly for 2 years. The group just celebrated its 10 anniversary with a dance (which was wonderful until...). After the dance there was an altercation between two long time group members - about how the key for the hall would be returned. Based, though, on the aggressive in-your-face yelling it seemed clear that there was some history behind this anger. There were 5 other people there at the time, including 2 new people who hadn't come before. We tried to get them to settle down, but weren't making much progress. I left with a friend who was triggered by the fight.

Last night was one of our regular meetings. Only the group leader and I showed up (the meetings usually run 6 to 12 people). When it seemed like we were the only ones coming we started cleaning up. One of the fighters came in with a friend. We were surprised to see him, but offered to put the chairs back up and have a meeting. He said that he wasn't staying. Then the other fighter showed up. Fighter1 screamed that he wanted the keys and rushed towards Fighter2. They were nose to nose screaming at each other. The group leader told them to take it outside, one of them told her to go outside. I tried to stand in between them and get them to back up so that they would talk to each other without hitting each other (they were poking and shoving). F1's friend told me to stop shouting. The leader left (that was the right thing for her to do - she was the one triggered the night before). I continued for a couple of minutes to see if they would settle down, which they didn't. I told Fighter2 to clean up and lock up (he was a leader in the past), and I left. I got in my car and moved it away from the door as they came out the door and started rolling on the ground punching. I moved my car and tried to find my friend. We went by later to see if the place had been locked up OK, and there was a police car there. We went in to get the rest of our stuff. The policeman was leaving (he didn't seem interested in talking to us - that was OK with me). Fighter1 was long gone (I'm sure he called the police). I asked Fighter2 to leave because we were closing the building. He told me he wasn't leaving. I talked to the cop before he drove away and told him that Fighter2 wasn't going to leave. The cop was going to come back after talking to Fighter1, so I told the cop that Fighter2 would be waiting outside. I told Fighter2 that he could wait for the cop outside. But he said that he didn't see the cop coming in to kick him out. He wouldn't leave until I told him that the cop was sitting in his car waiting for Fighter2 to leave. Then he left and we locked the building.

Fighter2 did want to talk to me about the fight, but I was so mad that they had taken a group that was supposed to be a refuge and turned it into a place where I (and others) felt unsafe that I refused to talk to him. I was irate that Fighter2 would not leave when asked (and it was also past the time when the meeting was supposed to end - I told him "the meeting is over and we are locking the building"). I am not the group leader, but I am her assistant - I consider us to be a team. As such, since she was so upset by all of this, I felt as though I could speak for her. But both when both fighters were there and later, when just one was there, there was no respect for my authority (which, admittedly, was fairly shaky). The leader and I agreed on what we wanted to happen - she was not able to enter in to the argument enough to assert her authority (and both fighters should have understood why). So, I overstepped my bounds, but I was acting with her permission.

I have always been sheltered and "sweet and innocent". I'm thinking that this may be the first time (in 46 years) that I have been involved with a fight where people really were out of control and wanted to hurt each other. It is also the only time I can remember when a directive from the people in charge has been so blatantly disobeyed.

Both men are going through very difficult times and we have seen the stress in both of them. The group (and the leader and I individually) has tried to support each of them.

Am I naive to think that this should not be happening at a support group? Am I naive to think that people who get together because they share a bond that means that others want to ostracize them should be able to be at least marginally civil to each other during group functions? Am I overreacting?

The leader is going to give her keys to another group member who knows how to lead the group. She and I are not planning to return.

Between what went on this weekend and the s*** that is still continuing (behind very "polite" sentances) here on Babble, my trust in people who say they want to help is about gone.

 

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poster:fallsfall thread:273852
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031020/msgs/273852.html