Posted by HannahW on October 7, 2003, at 21:47:49
In reply to Hannah and Sabina, posted by Dinah on October 7, 2003, at 19:35:38
Thank you so much, Dinah. It's really taken me by surprise these last few days how much this board means to me. Like the other day when I posted something about something-or-other, and you and Falls responded. I, who have such difficulty crying, just burst into tears when I realized that I had reached out and you reached back.
And now, things are so ugly that I fear I'm going to lose the one place where I feel like people understand what it's like to be me. I had no idea that I felt this way, but the idea of losing my safe place, and the idea that some people might not welcome and embrace me is really gut-wrenching.
I don't know, maybe it's that I'm starting my period that I feel so emotional. Or maybe it's that I've had several experiences over the last few days of feeling unwanted and like a misfit. Whatever it is, it's really painful and I feel so alone.
I feel kind of stupid for getting so worked up about a bunch of people I barely know, but you and so many other people have given me an incomprehensible amount of support and insight that I'm so grateful for. It's hard to communicate how a few kind words and gentle redirection have changed my life so much, but it's true. I don't think that I could be where I am in therapy (which is going much better now) if it weren't for your knowlege and encouragement.
I understand your current disillusionment with the board and Dr. Bob right now. I've felt stung a few times, myself, about other things. And I can't understand how this current situation has been allowed to happen. He's so careful to make sure people are civil, yet there has been so much biting sarcasm lately that it has me feeling afraid and unsafe. I know that there has been terrible, terrible anger and hurt, and the lashing out is understandable. But the banding together of some people, sort of gang-style, has me really flipped out. I guess it's because it reminds me so much of a similar situation I was in as a child where some girls at school were cruel and relentless in their ridicule and torture of me for over a year. The only difference is that I didn't do anything to deserve it. I kept begging and begging for their forgiveness for whatever mysterious thing I had done, but it just made things worse.
At least I think I'll be able to make something positive out of this whole board mess because it's brought that childhood experience to the surface and I've never dealt with it before. And I really need to.
Thank you so much for making a special effort to single me out for support. I sincerely needed that.
This must be terribly painful for you, too. You've got so much invested here--so much history with all of these people involved. Yet you seem to have kept a pretty straight head. You're angry and disillusioned, but still open to others' points of view, willing to consider forgiveness, and are able to empathize with everyone. I really admire your strength and courage in that. You are a remarkable woman and I feel privileged to share this board with you.
Hannah
P.S. Maybe I should make a public announcement, or maybe it's no big deal, but I feel like I want to tell you that Hannah is my daughter's name, not mine. My name is very distinctive and I'm terrified that my therapist is going to stumble across this board! There would be very little question about who I am! (Although I'm sure she'd recognize me anyway!) I hope it's not seen as deceitful--I think of it more as a "handle," like fallsfall. I hope you see it that way too. I just couldn't think of anything more creative when I registered.
poster:HannahW
thread:266525
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031002/msgs/266570.html