Posted by yabba on October 1, 2003, at 18:39:08
In reply to Hello, posted by yabba on October 1, 2003, at 4:33:27
Well thank you for the welcome. I really appreciate it. I had an odd paranoid dream last night that no one replied to my message because they smelled the outcast in me heh.
After reading some messages here and pondering today I've decided all of my depression stems from social anxiety and the odd fears I have when I'm in public. I think my anxiety is due to the fact that I don't understand other people and what they expect. I feel like I think on a totally different wavelength then everyone else. Like when I walk across the college campus sometimes I'll notice people giving me odd looks and I'll think, "what the heck are they looking at me like that for?". I've started to think it's because of the assumedly anxious expression I have on my face and they must be wondering why that's there. Thoughts like that just cause the expression to become even more anxious and then my eyes start to get tired and that makes my expression even worse. I just can't wait to get to my car or to class so I can sit in the back row where no one can see my face. I used to wish that I could find some kind of wonder drug or something that would let me function like I wanted to in social situations but now I think I might lack the motivation or caring to bother with creating a social life. I just want to get rid of my anxiety so that I can get a job and pay the bills. I can't imagine living another 40 years like I am now with a full time job. I would be stressed out and tired at the end of every day and would hate to get up every single morning for work. I get tired of the odd expression people get on their face when I get anxious and wide eyed around people I don't know and there's no reason for my anxiety. They probobly think I have a bomb stashed somewhere nearby or something =[
This is the first time I've ever let anyone know I have this problem and I feel too embarrassed about it to even go talk to a counselor at the college's health center. I just decided to take Wildflower's advice and say it all since I guess I've been wanting someone to talk to about it anyway. I didn't think there was anyone else like me back in highschool when I would sit there at my table with a stiff neck just praying the day would be over with already.
It probobly all started in middle school when I got made fun of so much by the other boys. It seemed like it went on non stop. I had never been anxious or all that self concsious before that even though my 2 best friends (my 2 cousins that I hung out with ALL the time when I was in elemantry and middle school) made fun of me although I didn't realize at the time what they were doing I just figured that's how life is and never questioned their actions. I probobly put up with it because I didn't have many friends, I just didn't make friends very easily for some reason.
And.. if you've made it all the way here, thanks for reading =]
poster:yabba
thread:264647
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030913/msgs/264799.html