Posted by Susan J on September 19, 2003, at 21:10:56
In reply to How do I help my friend to understand?, posted by NutMeig on September 19, 2003, at 17:40:20
Hi, NutMeig,
Very cool name, by the way. :-)
> One of my friends, a really good friend, always seems to... blame every little thing that I do on my illness. Yes I'm Bipolar and I do funny things every once n' awhile, and in the past(before med.) ........So every now and then when I say something about what I'm feeling, and he doesn’t agree with it, he tells me that I need to take more drugs and that I'm not seeing things clearly again and that I'm making things up.
<<My exboyfriend could be a carbon copy of your friend. I'm not sure why they do it. I *do* think depression or bipolar disorder or anything like that is *extremely* difficult to relate to if you've never been there. And since they don't really understand, they don't know how to be supportive. Has your friend read up on bipolar disorder at all? Does he know anything about it other than what you've told him? If not, it might help some.
>> but I dont think I'm making things up, and maybe I am and I need to up my med’s, but does anyone else understand what I'm feeling?
<<Trust your gut on whether you are feeling better, making stuff up, or need more meds. You know that so much better than any outsider. Perhaps your meds *do* need to be adjusted, but that's neither here nor there, your friend shouldn't just automatically say stuff like that because he either doesn't understand what you are doing or doesn't like what you are doing.>>How do I make him understand, that that was before and that I'm better now?
<<My advice, please take from this what you think is helpful, if anything. Throw the rest away. :-)Tell him you feel much better now. Tell him that you had bipolar before, didn't know you did and therefore didn't know how to cope with it in a healthy way. Now you know, so half the battle is won, and you are currently working on behavioral changes as well as medical therapy to bring you the most happiness and emotional health possible. Tell him you understand his concern that perhaps you haven't always told the truth in the past, that that was a symptom of bipolar disorder, and that now you are working on it. Ask him, as a friend, a *long-term* friend, to please give you the benefit of the doubt, let you start with a clean slate, and have an open mind that you definitely are better now....
*After all, your behavior *is* different now. You have a diagnosis, have sought medical therapy, and presumably are doing something about making your emotional habits as healthy as possible. Therefore, there is a high probability that some negative behavior you may have displayed in the past won't happen anymore.*
If you acknowledge his hesitation about really believing everything you say, then he (hopefully) doesn't feel put down by your disagreeing with him. He *shouldn't* feel put down or defensive anyway, but this is the real world. :-) If you give him something he wants (affirmation of his feelings) hopefully he'll give you something you want (open mind and ability to trust you again).
It sounds to me like *he* is not the best communicator in the world. And unfortunately that can make you feel worse about yourself, and that's totally unnecessary and obviously not healthy.
And he probably hurts because you hurt. He probably doesn't want to see you struggle with this because he cares about you. Therefore, he wants it *fixed.* Now. And to generalize a bit (sorry guys), men who get frustrated about emotional issues tend to want to *solve them* for you rather than just give you emotional *support* which they don't always see as being productive.
And if he doesn't try to be open-minded and supportive, kick him to the curb. :-) Good luck. :-)
Susan
poster:Susan J
thread:261692
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030913/msgs/261777.html