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On Falling in Love. On Paul and, oh dear -- long!

Posted by temmie on August 30, 2003, at 14:19:53

In reply to Re: Personal Ads .... » Temmie, posted by fallsfall on August 30, 2003, at 12:51:45

Dear Fallsfall ~

Thank you! This was kind of a dumb thread to start, but I needed to vent -- and all discussion leads to more discussion -- and, yes. Maybe there's a thing or two I can learn here! For one, how do attractive women, especially attractive women coming from a background of child-sexual abuse -- avoid contact with men -- and all that creepy stuff that sometimes accompanies this -- this matter of men seeing their "beauty" or "features" as open-invitation to suggest way too much involvement/intimacy, etc. -- way too soon?

Did that make sense?

I've always been disconcerted, that since I look a certain way, men, like Mr. Here's-What-I-Can-Do-For-You think I'm "hot," and therefore -- "hot to trot." I don't dress sexy. Granted, my hair is long, instead of coifed like June Cleaver -- but honestly! Despite bawdy talk, I'm quite modest, and very shy, and my dress is tasteful and demure. (If that's how one might describe jeans and t-shirts with sandals or an occasional linen top.)

Before Paul, I hadn't been with anyone in 12 years. I mean, you know, naked, in bed ... and good grief -- it took days and days of just holding each other and talking, etc., before I felt comfortable ... getting undressed .... I think what made Paul so appealing to me was that -- number one -- I'd always loved him. He was just part of the periphery back in the 80s. One of the crew that would typically show up at different social events -- but I always enjoyed seeing him, in fact, looked forward to seeing him. He was such a sweetie. When you looked in his eyes, there was someone in there looking back. When we hugged hello (or goodbye), the energy was so sweet. I just ... plain ... loved him.

I got pregnant and relocated to the midwest. Paul went into rehab (yes, he's done this before) and began counseling prisoners in NYC. He lost touch with "The Crowd," and so did I -- until last summer, when talking with a different group of friends in the Adirondacks, when someone said, "Gee, if you know so-and-so -- you must know Paul." Turns out this man was seeing Paul later in the weekend, and I was so delighted to be able to have something to give him .... I wrote a beautiful (although it would have been better had you been there to copy-edit for me!), how-have-the-years-treated-you kind of letter. (And three months later he wrote back.)

[Hmmmm. I'd almost forgotten about that letter, and when it did come to mind, I just thought -- hmmmm. That he must have been in a place where he didn't feel comfortable or able to respond. Still, I was glad that I'd had the opportunity to say hello and thank you to one who had always been such a dear. And all this is a mute point, of course, because eventually he did write back, and that was in November of last year.]

We began to correspond via instant messenger, and at one point I mentioned something about being afraid ... about feeling vulnerable, that talking with him was stirring up powerful emotions, etc., too much/too soon, and that I was afraid of falling in love.

"How about we just love each other," he wrote back, "and not fall?"

Honestly, he was such a sweetie.

We shared ...

[Oh my God, I'm writing from the public library, and there's someone here dressed up like an elf. Cape with hood included. Oh my!}

... our philosophical ideas on life, love and parenting, etc. We talked about the kind parts, and the not-so-kind parts of things we'd been through. We talked about the awkward phase ... that sort of heart-stretching phase of feeling one's heart expand, and Paul wrote something from Gibran, about love "pounding and bleaching us to whiteness" as in the shaping of bread for sacred loaves.

He spoke with the words that touched my poet's heart -- and on top of that -- I already loved him. I'd loved him and wondered about him for 20 years. As a friend, yes, but as a friend who always wished she'd pursued something more .... (If only we hadn't both been otherwise involved.)

Eleven days later he was in my hometown. I was scared to death, but we worked it through. He was so gentle and sweet with me. So understanding. So patient.

So -- maybe he's taken root in such a deep way, because the love of him -- or the myth and the magic, or whatever it was -- had 20 years to grow. I don't know. I do know -- there's noone I can imagine kissing but Paul ... and noone I can imagine being intimate with .... And he's not particularly good-looking, by the way, but to me? He's charming.

Plus he's tall and skinny with dark hair and brown eyes .... Fallsfall and others -- do you find yourself drawn to certain "types" of men? (Or women, or whatever/whomever you prefer.) I'm a blonde, and I know there are men who love blondes .... I like tall skinny guys with dark hair.

I like Paul.

Am I going to pull my ad?

Absolutely.

Am I planning a future with Paul?

Only in the most dubious sense.

I have told him that I'm "dating." That I'm looking. After all, he suggested it. He said he already knew who he wanted. Me. That maybe I should look around a little more.

He frequently tells me that he can't believe I love him. That he feels like the luckiest man on the planet. That he doesn't deserve such an angel. He told me the other night he thought I was a saint. (!) He says he wants to straighten up his life and do whatever he must in order for the two of us to be together. He says ... now that he has some money (which presumably hasn't all been spent on coke), he wants to woo and pursue me the way I deserve. (And he also said that he'll be getting a job soon and finding a place to live ... and working so he can buy a house where the two of us might live.

Do I believe him? I don't know .... It's possible. He's a nurse. He's a certified tai-chi instructer. He's also a wounded man, a Vietnam vet, and -- as we've all heard -- one who struggles with substance abuse.

In fact, he's currently homeless and living on a mountain top in a tent. He's got a trial coming up for A&B. Did he push this woman, as she says? Or did she construct the charges because she was mad that he was leaving (as he says?) It seems plausible ... to me ... that maybe it was a little of both.

So is there really any kind of a hope or a prayer for us? We'll see. I've said the only way we could be together were if he were "clean and sober" and "going to meetings," and that he had the next year to get it together.

He says he can do it.

We'll see.

Who knows what the future will bring -- or more specifically -- his trial on September 10th, which is only days away.

I am probably deluding myself, but I don't care. I feel safe. I feel okay. I may be fooling myself, but I feel okay loving him from afar, and kind of wondering, dreaming about a future -- even though I know -- I will probably always be alone.

That's kind of sad, but that's the truth. And that's why I ran the ad. Granted, it was posted some 20- or 30-odd days ago, and we've all seen how mercurial my changes have been through the evolution of this romance -- but I was hoping ... somehow, I could find another Paul. Another tall, skinny guy with brown hair (well, that's stretching it a bit), but -- one whom I was attracted to, one whom I felt I might be safe with, one who appreciated my many gifts, etc., and one who could be more of a helpmate (instead of coming from such questionable circumstances).

* * * * *

I'm excited about the growth I'm undergoing at the present time. I don't know what it means .... And I don't know where it's taking me -- but I feel there's a mystery, somehow, in this thing I've had going with Paul -- and key to understanding it, is key to something I've not known about myself.

Oh, I feel selfish and self-centered to have spent so much of everyone's time talking about myself.

I'm sorry.

I'm writing from the library now, and am going back to browse and post some replies on others' notes.

XXX, Temmie


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poster:temmie thread:255633
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030829/msgs/255660.html