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Home Again (long)

Posted by Temmie on August 25, 2003, at 20:48:30

I am back from California, and it was wonderful. Jared is all moved in. We did the obligatory last-minute rush to Target to pick up essentials (toothbrush to clothes hangers), and even squeaked a visit in to Macy's, to find the "just-right" pillow. Jared had long ago "checked out and moved on," so we had an unemotional farewell. I ... really ... get the sense ... that he just doesn't like me. You know? It's been like that for awhile. Him snapping at me, or chiding me to "be nicer to Grandma and Grandpa" during moments when I've felt -- well, "snappy" myself.

I think his greatest loyalty is to his grandparents and his father. Oh well. I did the best I could.

Yesterday I was pretty bummed out. In addition to trying to digest and comprehend the fact that my "baby" was gone ... I continue to work through the Paul thing, and if "the Paul thing" has done any good in serving as a distraction from sorrows about saying goodbye to Jared ... I suppose that's not a bad thing. I ... truly ... don't know.

On one of my return flights home, I sat next to a Vietnam Vet (with a baseball cap which identified him so) and was going to ask him how he was getting along -- but, his breath smelled of alcohol, and this was a morning flight. Then, shortly after my decision to keep my thoughts to myself, he was asked to switch seats with his girlfriend because she wasn't comfortable with the responsibilities involved sitting in the emergency exit row.

So ...

I talked with one of Paul's friends last night (it's too long and complicated to note names and relationships) who feels he is truly mentally ill. I can't decide. I keep going over all the things he did that never sat right (from small arguments, to larger arguments to cheating on me and using crack, for God's sake). I keep ... trying ... to set myself straight here -- so I can see straight.

In the meantime, I've told him I miss him, that I feel bonded to him, etc. But I've also said that I believe my attachment borders on addiction ... unhealthy in itself ... that hearing from him was my "fix," and ... shoot. I hate the mess I've made of things.

My mother. My brother. Two of my sisters. Most of my friends. They all know Paul's substance-abuse issues and believe I've been working to cut things off and move on .... And here I've been ... encouraging him.

I just don't understand myself.

I am still reading "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person," and rereading parts that seem especially germane. I am also still responding to men who've left messages on the voice mail connected to my personal ad. Maybe I just need ... a couple of dates ... with someone ... anyone ... ideally, someone healthy, of course. Just a couple of dates to break that hold ... then move on. Truth is, I'll soon be too busy with teaching to wonder or worry ... (and too busy to start something new).

In fact, I don't want something new. I just want my old life back. The unattached life.

If any of you have experience with some of the things I've discussed here ... dealing with the empty nest when children leave ... adding Light and understanding to this stupid mess I've gotten myself in with Paul ... encouragement re. getting my classroom ready (with parent conferences starting tomorrow!), and/or just all around cheer -- I'd love hearing from you.

Thanks, Temmie




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