Posted by zenhussy on August 15, 2003, at 1:56:21
When one brings up that they have suicidal thoughts then usually others bring up the questions of whether or not the meds are working properly.
What if they meds are working the best they can? What if this is it?!
So over a decade plus of therapy and almost a decade of meds and for what?
Sure I'm not sobbing hysterically nor actively planning suicide yet the thoughts are in my head almost daily again. The hope for a future slowly sinks away even as I'm doing all I can to ensure that future takes place.
I know death over financial matters is not what I will choose to opt out over. In the USA there is no debtors prison. I keep reminding myself of that as I consider how much I will need to borrow to get through this masters program.
It sounds so rational when I calmly talk about which courses I need and how I plan on going about the next several semesters but beneath the surface I am quite *certain* that I won't make it and that at some weak moment I will succumb to this disease that has so distorted my thinking.
I am beginning to feel as if all the modalities I've tried over the years were just introductions to the inner hell that exists within and that no amount of medicine or therapy will extract this wretched disease from me.
Sure I could take the path of strong chickie and what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. Yeah, and I've got some waterfront property to show ya....
My pact with a friend seems to be on shaky ground leaving me feeling even more without an anchor.
I put in the phone calls tonight to the people within the support network as I have agreed to (to the pdoc, the therapist, the group therapy participants, etc.)but no return phone calls.
The only IM session I had tonight with a friend just hammered home how ill we both are and that the liklihood of both of us making it to another decade of life just slips away each day.
Sad. So deeply sad. Ill from the topics dealt with in therapy tonight. Just want to escape. Damn this rx and its effect on alcohol. I just want numb. I would kill for numb.
What's that crock that people drag out from time to time? You gotta feel it to heal it?! Argh. I swear I would rather be dead that have to go through the pain again of trying to reconstruct what occured in the hazy past. The supportive women in this group are kindly reminding me that I've already lived through the worst and that I can survive this. Yeah. They don't live in my body or head. They don't experience the clenching gut, the endless insomnia coupled with the oversleeping.
Pdoc on Monday. I'm going to see if I can't finally make the case for a short acting benzo for these difficult nights where I'm pacing, crying and making poor choices about the prospect of a future.
Well if that hasn't been a purging release then I don't know what is.
No response needed. Just venting out the crapola that surges through my system. The broken coping mechanisms are being challenged.
I just want to give up.
Sigh.
zenhussy a rather wacked out chick who didn't get the one class she needed so now what?!!!!!!!!!!
poster:zenhussy
thread:250967
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030808/msgs/250967.html