Posted by zenhussy on July 16, 2003, at 23:59:23
In reply to Musings -- please, no more police!, posted by Racer on July 16, 2003, at 23:26:45
> OK, here's what happened that night I posted here and scared everyone so much. I had everything I needed in front of me to carry out my plan. When I posted here, I'd taken a Xanax to make it easier for me to carry it out. When it came time to do it, though, I couldn't go through with it. In the end, I waited so long to make up my mind, I fell asleep from the Xanax. By the time the police showed up, I'd given up for the time being.
>
> As for how I am now, I don't know. My husband and I are now in counseling together, but I don't know what the outcome will be. He's in a lot of pain, from all this, as am I, and I don't think he really quite gets how close he was to losing me -- one way or the other.
>
> I still don't see anything in my future, and some of that is reality. Many of the things that could improve my life are simply not possible. And some of what might be possible may not be enough. A lot of the despair I'm feeling is related to a lack of resources, as usual for me. Like not having medical insurance, and therefore being at the mercy of the one pdoc willing to see me without it. He doesn't return calls reliably, he has been known to go weeks without responding to pharmacy requests for refills (that was on Effexor, for crying out loud! Talk about hell, withdrawal because the pdoc won't return a call?) You know, practical things. I feel trapped, by my body, by my life, and don't have the resources that would allow me to make changes.
>
> So, I'm not doing a whole lot better, but I'm also not actively planning any immediate attempts on my own life.Racer,
I am so glad to see your post. I will continue to extend the offer of a quiet place to get away to breathe. I've e-mailed that information to you and unless you request that I do not e-mail you again I will resend it tomorrow. I know the hell of being without insurance in the valley and might be able to help there too if you would allow it. My e-mail is open to you and I will always take your call should you choose to.
I am up in RC at my godchildren's house helping them out.
I am sorry you are in so much pain and cannot see any light for the future. Until you are able to see that light again there are many here to hold onto it for you.
You are much cared for and loved.
With gentle kindness,
zenhussy
poster:zenhussy
thread:242757
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030713/msgs/242757.html