Posted by Penny on July 12, 2003, at 15:43:57
In reply to Re: Weighing the alternatives » fallsfall, posted by Dinah on July 12, 2003, at 14:51:45
> I keep thinking I need to do something before I destroy everything. I keep thinking that I just need to try harder. And I know it's true. I just need to try harder. I just need to try *harder*.
OMG- that is totally what I was trying to say earlier about me. I feel like such a failure - like I'm completely unreliable, like I don't deserve the job I have because clearly I can't do it, but I feel trapped at the same time because I have to have health insurance and money to live on and so forth, but part of me halfway wishes I would lose my job even though it would exacerbate the bad financial situation, because at least it would be one less thing on my plate. The financial situation is already bad and I don't know how much worse it could make me feel, but the job stresses me out so much because I feel like I should be able to do what is expected of me, but I'm just not doing it and I keep telling myself that I need to try harder, but I just can't. I just can't.
I don't, however, think you are lazy - I think lack of motivation is not laziness. It's laziness if you don't want to change - and you do, from what you say. You're not choosing to be unproductive. Neither am I. But it's what we're dealing with. I don't know the answers Dinah. I sure wish I did, as it would make life much easier.
I really wonder sometimes what my brain felt like when I was in college, pre-medication and pre-major depression. I don't remember, but I do think I'm losing my sharpness. I feel my mind getting duller. Foggier. I can't think. I can't concentrate. I don't care about things anymore, even though I *want* to. Yet I keep taking them because they're supposed to help me and because I don't like feeling like I don't want to be here anymore. But when they're not working, or when the side effects are such that the benefits are not outweighing them, then what?
Right there with you, babe.
P
poster:Penny
thread:241167
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030704/msgs/241237.html