Posted by zenhussy on July 6, 2003, at 21:39:07
In reply to Re: up way too late, drunk, and digging » zenhussy, posted by Racer on July 6, 2003, at 11:34:28
> Dear me, we are illogical, aren't we? I dig through old things, and instead of feeling guilty about what terrible things I've done, I get despondant over the good that I used to do!
> When my father died, I tried very, very hard *not* to put myself through that hell about not doing enough for him. I tried very hard *not* to make excuses for him, but to honor the pain I'd felt with honesty. You know what? NO ONE would let me! Every time I said something about having been abandoned, everyone else would tell me I was being unfair, or selfish, or whatever their take was. Personally, I think even the "normal" people out there have some real problems with emotional subjects.
> Anyway, I'm going to tell you the same thing that was told me back when my father died: "He was the adult, you were the child. HE was supposed to be responsible. If he was trying to make you do his job, that's monumentally unfair to you. Feel the unfairness, then let it go."
> I don't know what happened with you and your mother. I only know that if your father died when you were 8, *you* were not the party responsible for anything that went on. Sounds as if your mother may have fallen apart, or just not known how to help you cope. Doesn't so much matter what she was doing, sounds as if you had a difficult time (pronounced: impossible) adjusting to that loss, and didn't have a whole lot of support to help you through that. You were EIGHT YEARS OLD FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD!!! Time to give yourself a break now.
> Hate to say I don't know that being drunk is likely to help much. Especially since I feel the same impulse myself, but maybe giving yourself a reward for being there would be a better idea? Or take a timer up there with you, so that you won't punish yourself for too long at a time?
> Or, do what you have to do, then come home and curl up with the dog on the sofa. I don't know. (What? You didn't know I've decided to turn over a new leaf? Meet RACER: Poster Child For Mental Health) (<<<Now you *KNOW* you've entered the Twilight Zone, right?)
> Good luck. I don't remember you, but do appreciate your kindness to me this week.Racer,
Growing up in pre Silicon Valley was the twilight zone. I'm so glad you found some humour and gave it to me. Bless you for that Racer.
No reason for you to remember me since I've never posted to you before but have always been a lurker since the board began and remember a lot of horse stuff that you used to write about.
I am quite sincere in the e-mail offer and should you want to contact me next week when I return. I know a bunch of people in that area and could help you get the foundation started on a support network in the area.
I'm just counting the minutes until my flight home. Worried about mum. Worried about her doc's appt. on Tues which may bungle up my return home.
You wrote out some damn fine wisdom above there missy. This is the part that is going with me to therapist:
Doesn't so much matter what she was doing, sounds as if you had a difficult time
(pronounced: impossible) adjusting to that loss, and didn't have a whole lot of support to
help you through that. You were EIGHT YEARS OLD FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD!!!
Time to give yourself a break now.Eight is too young (was for me anyway) to understand what happened and you're quite right about my mother not being available for whatever reasons (um, like her own grief?! or lord knows!).
I hope you are leaning on staying around for a while as I'm rather fond of your posts and like I said before I'm selfish and want to see you live---not to suffer but instead to find the moments of thriving and enjoying life like you have before. It is possible. Okay, pollyanna crap over.
Thank you for such a beautiful post and for taking the time to extend yourself to a complete stranger. Much appreciated.
a night without vino--imagine that! drinking hasn't been a coping mech. for several years if not almost a decade but up in the boondocks where I am I don't have enough benzos nor the right ones to dull this hellish existence I'm living through just trying to help mum get through this injury/recovery. I *know* the booze ain't helpin' but tis all I have and for now that is what is gettig me through. Have no plans on continuing when I return to crazy CA.
Stick around a bit longer you just never know what surprises life has in store. Perhaps I'll win the lotto when I return and buy up a gazillion dollar property in the hills and have you come train my horses for me. Sound good? It *could* happen....stranger things have occured.
Wishing you peace and strength in this difficult time you're facing Racer, or are you now known as the poster child for mental health?! Hee hee hee.
zenhussy
poster:zenhussy
thread:239637
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030704/msgs/239751.html