Posted by Penny on July 4, 2003, at 20:34:20
I know many of you are there with me.
I was feeling better this morning, after sleeping virtually all day yesterday, but now I'm really crashing. Took a nap this afternoon, which turned into a 3 hour affair, and when I woke up my mood had taken a downturn. I had thought about going to see fireworks tonight but just can't make myself, and, honestly, I think I'm punishing myself in a way by not going - it's like the game "How much worse can I make myself feel???"
Money issues really have me bummed out right now. Rent's due by tomorrow and, while I have the money, there won't be much left over, which would be fine except that the new fiscal year started which brings a new deductible with my insurance, which is $350 and could be worse, but I just don't have a spare $350 lying around. Much of it is due to poor planning, and I have gotten myself into a financial mess and I feel like I've ruined my life even though I'm only 26. Like there is no way out of this except one, and I think you all know what I mean. I know that's crazy - to think of ending one's life due to financial stresses, but I can't bear the thought of having a check bounce or not having money enough to do the things I need to do.
Even with a full-time job making more money than I have in the past, the rent is killing me. I should have known that before I moved in here, and I guess I did, but it's just one of many stupid stupid decisions I have made over the past several years. And now I'm stuck. And I truly don't know what to do.
I've applied for a part-time job, but honestly don't have the energy right now to have a second job - hell, I don't have the energy to have a first job! It's all I can do to make myself get up and go to work during the week, then I spend the week feeling guilty for not wanting to be there and feeling guilty for not doing a good job and feeling worried that if I don't change things soon, I'm going to lose my job and then what??? At the same time, I feel like what's the point in having that job if it doesn't even pay the bills?
If I didn't have therapy and doctor bills, and meds to buy, I wouldn't be in the tough financial position I'm in, or it wouldn't be as bad, should I say. So, one more thing to be angry at myself about.
It's a vicious circle.
poster:Penny
thread:239330
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030704/msgs/239330.html