Posted by daizy on February 27, 2003, at 9:51:45
Im havning one of those bad days today, seem to be thinking to much, which is never good in my case as its always negative thinking, never been a positive thinker.
I feel very lonely. I live alone with my mother, the rest of my family live away. have lost contact with my college friends, they are all still together, I keep trying to tell myself that its hard to keep in contact when you are busy, but cant stop thinking that its just me they want to forget because Im a freak.
Since getting ill a year ago, have gained 30lbs. I hate myself anyway and have always felt like an alien compared to others, I feel like my body is the wrong shape and i am uglier that everyone else, but gaining all this weight has not helped things. Used to be bulimic(cant talk about it)
I have a few old friends who live near by, who havnt seen for six months or so. Mostly because I dont go out anymore, because of anxiety, and I stop them from coming to see me too. I feel, I forget the right word for it now, think its distanced from myself, I know Im still me but I dont feel like the old me anymore and dont like the new me, so I just dont feel like myself. I get scared when I hear myself talking to people sometimes, or too scared to look in the mirror. also get scared to look at people incase thay look at me in the eye. Some days everything seems disgusting to me, like the way people look, the way I look, food tastes horrible or things just seem very bad, although that doesnt happen very often. I say things like I hate her, or she;s ugly, and I do it because I hate myself..
never mind, Ive said too much now.........
poster:daizy
thread:204300
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030223/msgs/204300.html