Posted by likelife on February 26, 2003, at 0:06:32
Don't really know how to put this. I am struggling a lot all of a sudden. And the fact that it was fairly predictable didn't stop me from letting it happen. Stress has been building up for me over the past few weeks, and I've mostly just been running as fast as I can to stay on top of the work. And then I start thinking, all I want is a break, just a little break, but then I take one, and I feel incredibly guilty throughout because I know what I'm not getting done, and it doesn't turn out to be a break at all.
Long story short, my brain has this short circuit that gets tripped every time I get too stressed, and the almost instant result is that suicide jumps into my mind. It's like it's just programmed that way. And the worthless, hopeless, dead exhausted, why did I get up this morning, I am so *tired* just floods my mind, and it's all I can think about. So then less work gets done, and...(sigh).
I believed for a long time that I was destined to commit suicide. I have thought about it for so long, and been desperate for so long, that it just seemed inevitable. It was a passive thought for a really long while, and then became a lot more active, and I tried a couple of times, once half-heartedly, and once a lot more seriously. And most days I'm comfortable with the idea that I'm still here. I have even been doing remarkably well lately. It's so disheartening to slump again, and so quickly, so easily. It's like I have no defenses whatsoever.
Like everybody else, when I'm depressed, I have a hard time thinking of anything else. Hibernation (i.e. withdrawal) sounds like a great idea.
I wonder and wonder whether I'm making the right decisions in my life, and whether I want to go on living out this same pattern for the rest of my life. Depression=automatic hopelessness.
poster:likelife
thread:203880
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030223/msgs/203880.html