Posted by Dinah on December 10, 2002, at 20:33:04
There is talk of my brother being called up for active duty again, and this time I told my parents they couldn't count on me to do what he does for them. He still lives at home and helps out a bit around the house, mowing the lawn, etc. Both of them have physical limitations and my father is in a wheelchair.
When this came up last summer, I went back on a short lived trial of Effexor because I didn't know that I could handle being around my parents on a daily basis. Since then, my stress level has gone up and my ability to cope with my own daily life has gone down. I can't help them when I can barely keep myself afloat.
I feel badly about it. They did their best raising me, and always made sure I had what I needed. But I just can't do it. My father is even more angry now than he was when I was young. I can't spend 15 minutes with him without feeling suicidal or self injury urges, unless he's in one of his rare good moods.
I'm barely keeping up with my work, and my own house and yard could use some attention. I just can't take on more.
But I feel really bad about it. These people don't like outside help, even if I offer to pay for it. I don't think my mother has ever taken a taxi. She always calls me if the car breaks down or something. And they're both enormously difficult to deal with. I can't even imagine how much someone will charge to do the yardwork the way my mother insists it be done.
Sigh.
Sorry for venting. This may not even happen. It's all still at the rumor stage. But I've already told them I can't help, and telling them was the thing that is making me feel guilty. Geez, these people changed my diapers, and paid for my college education.
My husband tells me that the way I should pay them back is to be the best mom I can be to my son, and to do the things for him that they did for me. But I don't know....
poster:Dinah
thread:33192
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20021206/msgs/33192.html