Posted by Gabbi on July 12, 2002, at 1:29:56
In reply to Re: P.S tina » Gabbi, posted by tina on July 11, 2002, at 21:30:43
Me too... The one time I tried to overdose, it was when I was flopping on yet another couch,at age 30. With friends who were kind enough to have me, and the thought of my future terrified me. I'm sure it does most people, but when you have a "disorder" its a matter of degree. And if thats been the most prevalent feeling in your life its all you can see in the future, except with less hope, time passing and seeing nothing "tangible" has changed because you've just been getting through the minutes.
Back to my original sentence, after I'd taken 5months worth of 3 different medications, I thought "oh my god, what a horrible thing for my friends to find when they get home, especially because they have a 10yr old daughter.
I went to the hospital, and when the nurses tried to get me to drink the charcoal I soooo didn't want to, I was just starting to fade.I fought it off feebly then I thought
"God these poor over worked nurses the last thing they need is another difficult patient at 3Am.
So here I am basically because I'm polite! I still dread opening my eyes in the morning, always wish something would just take me out without me knowing it.
The Doctors the meds the constant questioning of oneself, am I just lazy? or if you feel good, ummm...what did I eat drink or take or stop drinking or eating or taking in the last week that made me feel good today. But the longer it goes on the more I mourn even the beautiful moments because I know they will vanish to the miraculous place from which they came, or the brain that could actually feel love or beauty or pleasure today, is not going to let me for the next....how long will it be? Its like rusting away.According to the book I always talk about, with an anxiety depression test done on gorillas (which I think is unethical but..) any way if they are made to be anxious for repeated periods of time, the level of cortisol is permanently altered in the brain, to the point where they will be just as anxious about not being handed a bananna although there is a basket of bannanas they can help themselves to) as anxious as they would be if in fear for their lives and inevitably develop depression.
Theoretically thats why when you have untreated anxiety disorder it eventually becomes clinical depression or vice versa chronic trauma changes the brain chemistry as well.
It also explains why (I don't mean to speak for you, but its true for me) I can be debilitated by depression (its always present but I can manage it if I don't do anything radical like sneeze.(joke) But one teeny thing can turn it into a complete breakdown. I suppose thats why people sometimes think it looks like manipulation.
I'm terrified to date, because once I was not called back buy a guy who actually believed -GET This- that the Royal family are actually lizard shapeshifters. Nope, didn't meet him at the hospital, he has a good job, a nice apartment, and *I'M* the one on medication. The simple fact that this guy didn't call me -this guy who believed in shapeshifting lizard people, who I wasn't even interested in, didn't call me, was enough to put out of commission for a Month. God help me If I fell in love.I'm tired of fighting I need a reason to fight... I'm tired of watching people laugh and go for coffee like its nothing! oh I better not get into that...
I do understand
And after this letter YOU certainly don't have to feel self-conscious about going on.
Please take care because you know hard as it is on people who are sensitive and willing to reach we need as many People like you as can keep fighting. If you can't do it for you do it for me. I like you already and I'm not even used to these message board things.
poster:Gabbi
thread:26237
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020629/msgs/26268.html