Posted by Roo on July 2, 2002, at 16:02:07
Feeling low for a long time now. About 3 years. Relationships not working out...engaged...broken engagement....dream job not working out...rebound relationship not working out....feeling alone and rejected and like it's getting to the point where my friends are overburdened and feel like I can't talk to them anymore. Feel full of shame and self loathing. Unable to get out of my own head. Like a failure b/c I can't seem to be happy. I see a therapist. I meditate. I exercise. I have friends. I've been on antidepressants for the last 7 or 8 years, but they recently seem to have stopped working, and I'm in between drugs, trying to find something that works...most of what I've tried have had unacceptable side effects. I'm not sure about the drug route anymore...I wonder sometimes about a more spiritual/alternative way of working with depression...but then I don't know if i'm in denial about maybe it's a physical/biological disease that will really only respond well to drugs.
I barely have the energy to write the details. I'm just so tired. The worst thing about this disease is the self hate I have for having it. And how alone I feel b/c of it, and how despairing I feel that I'll "never" have a good romantic relationship b/c this disease is just too hard on relationships, and if I can't love myself, how can I expect anyone else too? And then I think am I just using this "disease" bit as an excuse...as a way to just not "grow up" and get on with my life. I feel like if only I could have a better relationship with my depression---be kinder and gentler with myself and accepting and not always see my every mood change as something WRONG that needs to be FIXED---I wouldn't have to use medication. But it also seems like part of the disease IS low self worth....and I can't seem to MAKE myself have it. (Much easier on drugs). I'm so confused.Don't know what the point of this post is. I'm more freaked out about my upcoming 34th birthday than I have any other. In my early 20's I just assumed I was young, life would change, I'd get my shit together, that this wasn't really my "real" life...now i'm really getting it that this IS my real life. No fairy god mother is going to pop out of the sky and drop the life I always wanted into my lap. If I continue to live my life depressed, on the couch, not doing anything--that's basically what my life is and what it will continue to be unless I do something about it. And really, if life continues on this unhappily, I don't see a whole lot of point in living. Although I'd probably never kill myself b/c of my family and simply not having the guts, and probably a little bit faith and hope that things will get better. I just feel like I'm faced with a hard reality: This is my life. And I'm just sitting in the middle of it's vast emptiness and absurdity without a whole lot of energy or self esteem to do anything about it.
Thanks for listening.
ps. I also feel like a really selfish, self absorbed person.
Like all I ever do is talk about ME and MY PROBLEMS, and take,
take take...there's this mean little voice in me that says
"Damn--why don't you do some volunteer work or something? Think
about someone other than yourself" (which I've been thinking about
doing, but I don't want to do it for self hating reasons)....
and another voice that I judge as excuse making and self pitying
saying "But it's not my fault...it's my DISEASE...it's the disease that
makes me unable to focus on anything other than my "problems"...would you
ask someone who had a migraine to stop thinking about their stupid
migraine and get on with their life?".Ugh. Someone give me a lobotomy
poster:Roo
thread:26003
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020629/msgs/26003.html