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Re: being alone... » IsoM

Posted by sid on May 7, 2002, at 0:21:02

In reply to being alone... » sid, posted by IsoM on May 6, 2002, at 14:19:15

Thanks IsoM. I'm not alone... thinking that way!

How are you? I did not connect for a while due to yet another move (back to Mom's for a while) and I got lazy reconnecting the computer. There's one thing I absolutely hate doing alone: packing and moving.

This thing about me preferring to be single: it's really been disrupting lately, how people try to get into my business, are impolite and inconsiderate, just because I am single and they think there's something wrong with me. I'm sometimes amazed at how rude and cruel people are - as if I was some reject. I've lost friends over this and I will lose some more, undoubtedly.

There's a point where I start asking myself why I'm not like everyone else. Then I think: because I'm me, period. Others don't like that answer though. Whatever - it's their loss. I'm great to hang around with and they push me away because of their prejudice, their fears and their shortcomings (like preferring to be in a crummy relationship than being alone because they can't cope with... themselves, I guess). How do I know I'm great to hang around with? I'm often alone and I'm never bored! I entertain myself just fine, no drugs involved! :-)

Good for you for doing the same. I do think I am stronger than most people and also, much freeer (3 e's ?). And happier too. I don't spend my life trying to please others, although I like to do that sometimes, but it's not a 24/7 thing. If I realize I do more for others than they do for me, I can readjust easily, while people who depend on others too much will end up spending all their energy on fueling a relationship that's gone anyway.

I'm thinking of changing docs actually. First, 4 weeks ago, she thought I was borderline, gave me a brochure about a place that could help me, she said. I called there, they were almost insulted that my pdoc didn't call instead - I don't have a pdoc. Then they gave me some info. As it turns out, I would need a firm diagnostic by a pdoc, and they treat "severe" borderline cases only. By severe thay mean: people who attempted suicide at least once and is in danger of doing it again. People who went to prison because of their disorder, people who were hospitalized, etc. I don't correspond to any of that. Than the lady said the number one thing in borderline people is that they can't stand being alone... Hello, doc, I prefer to be alone !

Then last week, she gives me crap because I went to the movies alone and I don't want a boyfriend in my life. I don't go to her for therapy, just for the prescription. I'm all done for now in therapy, I'm fed up with it. I've changed in some ways, and other things are just me - if I change that I might as well get a lobotomy. The fact that she doesn't like my opinions on different things doesn't mean I have a mental disorder or illness. I find her behavior reproachable and rather non-professional. If she ever mentions all this again I'll just tell her it's really none of her business. And I need to find the guts to tell her that lately she's been rude and antagonistic for the heck of it and that I don't appreciate it at all. I was so happy to have been to this movie. It was somewhat cathartic (story of sexual abuse resolved in it, unlike mine which remains unresolved because nobody in my family has ever defended me - the movie is "Monsoon Wedding"). I wanted to tell her that and instead she started giving me a hard time because I never go to the movies with anyone.

Well, thanks again - in my times of doubt it's nice to see I'm not the only "twisted one" around. I'm referring to the fact that nowadays it's cool to be anything (sex-wise) except single and celibate - that's really reproachable, apparently.

- sid


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