Posted by Greg on April 26, 2002, at 14:32:16
In reply to Re: My Daughter's Psychologist Appt » Greg, posted by wendy b. on April 26, 2002, at 0:47:34
Hi Wendy,
It's always good to hear from you! She does sound like she likes this woman and feels comfortable with her her. She also told me that she likes the idea of having an adult she can talk to that's not going to come running to my wife and I and tell us everything she said. I guess I can relate to that, I wish I would have had someone I could have trusted with my thoughts when I was a kid.
The problems that you describe with your daughter's father is exactly why I feel so much guilt over this. My illness went untreated for so long and I put a lot of unreasonable pressure and expectations on the kids, and that wasn't fair. I can't change what happened, but it's in the nature of who we are that we beat ourselves up over these things (at least some of us do). I think you're a great Mom for trying to protect your daughter and you're right, if it was the other way around...It's never easy being stuck between a rock and hard place but she will respect you as long as she thinks you are doing the right thing. Really sucks that our kids always seem to have to suffer along with us doesn't it?
On a brighter note...are your grapevines bloomin' yet? :) They just built a new road in town that goes thru to one of the main highways and it goes right thru the center of our best wineries. All the vines are turning green and it's drop dead gorgeous!!! At one point all you can see is green... I knew you would be able to appreciate that being a winery buff and all...
Well, give that little one a big hug for me and yourself too. We need to write more often. I'll try to drop in on chat once in awhile even if it's just to listen.
Be well,
Greg> Greg,
>
> This all sounds very very good. Looks like you have found for your daughter a smart and supportive psychologist. I pray that you will all pull through and that your doing so - as a group of people who love each other - will make you all the more strong. It's these terrible moments that make us who we are... Happiness is so easy, pain is tough, makes us tougher, unfortunately we have to push on through to the other side to get that knowledge...
>
> My daughter (age 10) has been having issues with her father and me. We've been separated for almost 8 years, still not divorced, but that's another story... I'm afraid that even though we have tried to keep her out of the middle of arguments and tensions between him and me, she still has antennae 6 feet high, and can pick up on even the smallest things. And then there are moments when I am straightforwardly critical of him and his neurotic way that he behaves, not dealing with his own problems & OCD tendencies. It's hard for her to deal with it when she has visitation with him every other weekend, he blows up at her for her 'imperfections.' And since it's the reason I left (or the main reason), I feel like I'm throwing her to the lions every time she goes there... and I want to protect her from him, but know at the same time that charity toward him means I will never remove her from being able to see him, etc. Cuz if the shoe were on the other foot, and he tried to keep her from me because of my depression/bipolar illness, I would be devastated... Rambling, here...
>
> Anyway, we recently had to review the court order for visitation. She got mad at her dad for 3 weeks in January, wouldn't talk to him because he had laid her waste emotionally - "You ruined Christmas" he told her (among other things), because she got sick right when she had to go from my house to his house... Anyway, one of the recommendations from the Law Guardian is that she go to therapy, and I feel awful for contributing to her difficulties sorting out the problems her parents have dealt her, first through the separation, then through the other problems subsequently... I realize the struggles we go through, blaming ourselves for not being 'perfect' parents, but it's hard not to give oneself grief, isn't it? We worry so much about them...
>
> Anyway, I feel for you, Greg, and hope you'll let us know more as it happens... Your daughter sounds like she knows what's what, deep down... Beautiful thing she said about not wanting to trade you for anyone else...
>
> much respect,
> Wendy
>
>
> > Here's the update on my daughter's appt with the psychologist.
> >
> > Well, NaShay (my daughter) and Mary (my wife) were both very nervous as expected. The doctor took them both back and kept them both in the room for the entire time. Mary said it was more of a feeling out process to see where her head was at more than anything else. She asked how she was coping with everything and if she had had any recent suicidal thoughts. Mary said for the first 15 or 20 minutes Nashay's answers were real short and to the point and she seemed very reluctant to talk about suicide. But she did open up and start talking more freely once she got comfortable. The one thing that NaShay kept going back to was that she felt like her Mom and I hear what she says, but that we don't really listen to her. She also talked about how much her and her Mom have been fighting over the last year or so and how it's almost always over stupid, meaningless things. This has always surprised me that they fight so much because they are so inseperable. They go everywhere together, the grocery store, clothes shopping, the mall, everywhere. When they watch TV, they always sit together. I've never understood how two people that are so close can fight so passionately.
> >
> > Anyway, they seemed to have gotten some productive dialog going and they both looked relieved when they got home. The futute appts will be just my daughter by herself and the doc assured her that anything she says will be kept in confidence unless it involves suicide. If she feels that NaShay is in danger, she will let us know. And she had NaShay make a pact with her that if she gets in that place she will immediately talk to an adult, me, her Mom, her sister. If she feels she can't talk to any of us, she is to call the doctor anytime 24/7. I thought that was a great thing. The doctor also said that she will be wanting to get myself and Brandon (my son) involved on some level in the future. She said that it's important for NaShay that not only she go thru a healing process, but the whole familly as well. That makes a lot of sense to me.
> >
> > It's a start and there's a long way to go, but I feel good that she is getting help. She overheard me talking to Shar on the phone yesterday, she told me last night that she knows that I think I'm a bad Father. She said she wouldn't trade me for anybody else...Pretty cool kid.
> >
> > Thanks again for the support I've gotten with this. It's been a very scary time for all of us here and having people who understand means a lot.
> >
> > Greg
poster:Greg
thread:22639
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020422/msgs/22667.html