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Re: Feeling Empty » Angel Girl

Posted by Alii on April 23, 2002, at 21:16:32

In reply to Feeling Empty, posted by Angel Girl on April 23, 2002, at 20:21:07

AG--

I don't know if I can explain in a way that makes sense but here goes:

for me feeling empty means not being able to connect to feelings I once had.

example--when I am deeply depressed (almost crisis mode) I can sometimes muster the strength and energy to go through some of the motions of life i.e. grocery shopping, taking the dog to the beach for her exercise (she's a youngun), bank, post office, etc. but my heart isn't in any of it. I feel hollow. Truly hollow as in echoing inside, cavernous, dark and large. I know I feel empty when pictures, phone calls, and visits from my goddaughter don't reach me. I love this child so much, and she is fast becoming a difficult to love little bossy gal, and when I become aware that even her presence isn't getting through to my heart that I am once again on the downward.

Feeling empty isn't the same for everyone. I would guess that some experience the state (of feeling empty) all the time as opposed to my feeling it when I am on the decline.

I DO feel dulled by my medication however which is different from the empty. The dulled feelings are:

duh where did my brain go?
total vocabulary decrease
word recall difficulty
no real lows but no real joy either
feeling artificially 'lifted' and not authentically non-depressed.

I did have a glimpse of that back in February. Unusually warm spell hit and I kicked tokhes on the yard; regraded the back half of the garden, mind you this was with hand tools, and was suddenly aware that I was thinking about my future and how to go about making that happen. I was aware of NOT having the negative thought processes and overwhelming self doubt that usually accompanies my thoughts of future plans. I felt good and my head was clear. My thoughts clear, not foggy. And I felt ALIVE.

But that was then....

--Alii


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